Dear Barb:

I am a guy in my thirties, and I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD.  I always knew there was something wrong.  I have never been able to focus on anything for more than a few minutes.  Even in school, my teachers called my parents because they couldn’t manage me.  My parents were told to put me on medication, but they chose not to after reading up on the long-term effects.  Therefore, I struggled but managed to get almost through high school.  The ADHD has been manageable at times, although as I’m getting older I find it more difficult to manage.  I have been given medication, which helps for most of the day, but as soon as it wears off I am pretty frazzled and at times explosive.  I am finding it difficult to maintain relationships as well.  What advice would you give to someone in my situation? Thanks, Greg. 

Hi Greg:

You are bringing up a very important topic.  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ADHD is defined as “one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders of childhood.  It is usually first diagnosed in childhood and often lasts into adulthood.  Children with ADHD may have trouble paying attention, controlling impulsive behaviors (may act without thinking about what the result will be), or be overly active.”

Adults with ADHD (Adult Attention-Deficient/Hyperactivity Disorder) present challenges in all aspects of adult life, from relationships, work, finances, time management, and more.  I am not going to focus on the causes and symptoms of ADHD, but rather include some strategies that will help to manage the condition.

Since you are already on medication that’s a start, but you also must learn additional coping skills.  For individuals with ADHD, the greatest challenge is maintaining focus.  Initially when attending a meeting or lecture you are able to focus, but if the topic becomes boring, your mind loses interest and you become restless and find it hard to stay focused.  Taking notes while at these meetings will help to keep your attention on what the speaker is saying.  This will be a way to bring your mind back to the task rather than going off somewhere.  If you are given instructions, repeat them back to the person, that will help you to make sure you clearly understand.

Also, when attending long meetings, feel free to move around, when given the opportunity.  A stress ball will help to relieve some of the restlessness and will not bother those around you.  Eating well, getting enough exercise, and having adequate sleep patterns will also help you manage your symptoms.  Following a regular routine in your daily life will also enable you to focus on what you need to do.  I don’t know if you have tried meditation, but try short periods of meditation, to begin with, and lengthen the periods as you feel ready.  Try some meditation apps on your smartphone.  Implementing these changes will not magically make your ADHD disappear, but over time it will help you manage your symptoms and feel better about yourself and your life.  Best of luck Greg, I hope this information has been helpful.  There is a plenitude of information online about managing ADHD.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

While Barb Godin has moved on to her own publishing career, this article from the middle of June, issue 3123, was still nominated by a reader, and I have to admit Barb’s advice and the issues she brought forward every week were one of the things that added to what made The Voice Magazine a good read each week.

Dear Barb:

A good friend of mine got a kitten, Mitzi, about a year ago.  When she first got her, Mitzi was climbing all over, even on the countertops.  I didn’t think much of it.  I thought they would eventually teach her to stay off, but it’s a year later and she is still on the countertops in the kitchen and the bathrooms.  Even when Jodie is preparing meals Mitzi is right beside her on the countertop.  I have mentioned something about it, but not in an accusatory way, about cats being on countertops, Jodie just laughed and didn’t comment. 

However, she has invited my husband and myself for dinner a few times and I have had to politely decline.  I don’t understand why it doesn’t bother her.  She is a very clean and tidy person otherwise, but for some reason, it doesn’t bother her or her husband that their cat is all over everything. 

They lost their last cat when it was only two years old, and they were both devastated.  I don’t know if that is what has caused them to be this way.  Their other cat did not go on the countertops.  I don’t know if they wouldn’t allow it, or maybe it just wasn’t interested in climbing the way Mitzie is.  I don’t know if I can continue to decline dinner invitations indefinitely.  What would you suggest I do?

Thanks, Lisa. 

Hi Lisa:

Many people allow their cats on the countertops, and some cats will only go on when their owners are not at home.  I believe most cat owners try their best to keep their cats off the counters, but they can’t be 100% sure that, given the opportunity, their cat won’t jump on the counter.  Cats like to be in high places; after all, the view is better from up there.  There are many things that an owner can do to train their cats to stay off the counters, but it is a difficult process, and that is not what you are asking about.

There are many risks to allowing cats on countertops, not only that they can track poop from their litter box on the counter, but they could jump on a hot stove, or eat food that is left out which may be poisonous to them.  I guess all you can do is continue to decline invitations, however, eventually, your friend is going to ask why you do not want to join them for dinner.  At that point, you will be forced to tell the truth and accept the fact that your friends may be offended, or they may be okay with it.  I can’t see a way to avoid this eventually occurring.  Sorry, I couldn’t be more helpful.  Thank you for your question Lisa.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb:

I am a guy in my thirties, and I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD.  I always knew there was something wrong.  I have never been able to focus on anything for more than a few minutes.  Even in school, my teachers called my parents because they couldn’t manage me.  My parents were told to put me on medication, but they chose not to after reading up on the long-term effects.  Therefore, I struggled but managed to get almost through high school.  The ADHD has been manageable at times, although as I’m getting older I find it more difficult to manage.  I have been given medication, which helps for most of the day, but as soon as it wears off I am pretty frazzled and at times explosive.  I am finding it difficult to maintain relationships as well.  What advice would you give to someone in my situation? Thanks, Greg. 

Hi Greg:

You are bringing up a very important topic.  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ADHD is defined as “one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders of childhood.  It is usually first diagnosed in childhood and often lasts into adulthood.  Children with ADHD may have trouble paying attention, controlling impulsive behaviors (may act without thinking about what the result will be), or be overly active.”

Adults with ADHD (Adult Attention-Deficient/Hyperactivity Disorder) present challenges in all aspects of adult life, from relationships, work, finances, time management, and more.  I am not going to focus on the causes and symptoms of ADHD, but rather include some strategies that will help to manage the condition.

Since you are already on medication that’s a start, but you also must learn additional coping skills.  For individuals with ADHD, the greatest challenge is maintaining focus.  Initially when attending a meeting or lecture you are able to focus, but if the topic becomes boring, your mind loses interest and you become restless and find it hard to stay focused.  Taking notes while at these meetings will help to keep your attention on what the speaker is saying.  This will be a way to bring your mind back to the task rather than going off somewhere.  If you are given instructions, repeat them back to the person, that will help you to make sure you clearly understand.

Also, when attending long meetings, feel free to move around, when given the opportunity.  A stress ball will help to relieve some of the restlessness and will not bother those around you.  Eating well, getting enough exercise, and having adequate sleep patterns will also help you manage your symptoms.  Following a regular routine in your daily life will also enable you to focus on what you need to do.  I don’t know if you have tried meditation, but try short periods of meditation, to begin with, and lengthen the periods as you feel ready.  Try some meditation apps on your smartphone.  Implementing these changes will not magically make your ADHD disappear, but over time it will help you manage your symptoms and feel better about yourself and your life.  Best of luck Greg, I hope this information has been helpful.  There is a plenitude of information online about managing ADHD.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb:

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and moved in together one year ago.  We get along well for the most part.  We spend a lot of time together, in fact, that’s why I am writing.  We both work from home and basically do everything together.  We have some friends but don’t do much with them.  We would rather stay home together or go out together.  I am beginning to wonder if that is healthy.  My mom keeps telling me I should go out with friends, or at least join some activities on my own.  Sometimes I wonder if my mom is right and if we should be doing things separately.  What do you think? Are we in an unhealthy relationship? Thanks, Bonita. 

Hi Bonita:

According to a quote by actress, comedian, and writer Mae West “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” However, writer and novelist Ray Bradbury has a different take as he claims, “Too much of anything isn’t good for anyone.” I think it is a personal choice between both people.  If you are spending time in the same location, but each doing your own thing, I would not consider this as spending too much time together.  Behaviors that could indicate an unhealthy relationship include spending so much time together that you lose track of friends and hobbies.  Also, spending so much time together that you cannot stand losing touch with the person, even for a few hours while they are at work, is not healthy.  Feeling this way will cause you to not be able to be alone doing things you want.  It is a balancing act and two people must find their comfort zone.  It is not a black-and-white issue.  Hope this information was helpful.  Thanks for your email.

Dear Barb:

I read your column regularly and I have a quick question.  I am planning to have a dinner party at my home, and I do not want children included.  Some of my friends have teenagers that they would like to bring along.  They feel teenagers are not the same as children.  I feel teenagers would change the whole dynamic of the evening.  What is your opinion? Thanks, Robin. 

Hi Robin:

Great question.  I do not consider teenagers to be adults.  If you are clear in your invitation that it is an adult dinner party, then children or teenagers should not be included.  I agree with you that teenagers would change the nature of the conversations.  I wouldn’t think very many teenagers would be interested in attending an adult dinner party anyway.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb:

Hey! My wife and I are in our early thirties and have been married for five years. We are expecting our first daughter in September. Everything is going well with the pregnancy, and we are so happy. The issue that is bothering me is that I am very anxious about becoming a father and I want to be the best father I can be. My own father left my mother when my sister and I were very young, and I always missed the presence of a father in my life.  I want to be there for my daughter and be a good role model.  Would you be able to give me some advice on how I can best accomplish that?

Thanks, Nat.

Hi Nat:

Thank you for your email. You have a very important task ahead of you and you are approaching from a good place. You are aware of how important it is to have a father since you did not have a father in your life. The relationship between a father and daughter is vitally essential to the development of a girl. Research has shown that girls who have a father present in their lives grow up healthier, more confident, and with a clearer understanding of what they want in their own life. According to the following website: Strengthening Father-Daughter Relationships (verywellfamily.com) there are many benefits for a daughter who has a healthy connection with her father. For example, they are more assertive without being aggressive; are more likely to pursue higher education; feel better about themselves; feel more confident in relationships with partners; have better grades.

This process can begin on the day your daughter is born. Become an active part of her life, including caring for her, changing diapers, feeding her, and simply providing a comforting part of daily life. As she grows you can become a teacher, taking the time to acknowledge her accomplishments, and encouraging her to learn new things. Also, be an active listener and offer encouragement for your daughter to share her hopes and dreams with you, without lecturing her. Playing games together is an important aspect of the father-daughter relationship. Go to a baseball game or to see a musical group that you both like.  Be loving, patient and supportive, even if they do something wrong. Take the time to explain why it was wrong and how they can learn and move forward from this event. Most importantly, be a role model and display the healthy life choices you want your daughter to make for herself.  These are just suggestions, as you become more comfortable being a parent, you will find ways to achieve the goals that you want for your relationship with your daughter. I believe you are going to be a great dad, not that you won’t make mistakes all parents do, but mistakes can always be acknowledged and corrected.

Best of luck Nat!

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb:

Hi, I graduated a few years ago and was fortunate to find a decent job with good pay and benefits.  I live a frugal lifestyle, so I have been able to save a lot of money.  The problem is my family and friends think I should be spending more money on trips and clothes and other stuff.  They say we are only young once and that I should be enjoying life more.  I have a fear of ending up alone with no money, so I feel better saving it.  What advice would you give to someone in my situation, should I be spending more, or saving? I am not sure what is the right thing to do. 

Thanks for your advice, Melissa.

Hi Melissa:

Thanks for sending your email.  How we handle our money is a personal choice.  Some like to spend and enjoy life while others want to save for their future, but there is a happy medium.  For many how they handle their money is influenced by their life experiences, but you can change your thinking.  Money is supposed to enhance our lives and if it’s sitting in a bank account doing nothing, it is not improving our lives.  For example, spending money on a financial advisor is money well spent.  Advisors are knowledgeable about ways to invest money, as opposed to leaving your money to sit in a low interest saving account.  Another good way to spend money is on good quality food, which will help you maintain your health and well-being.  In the long run, good health saves you money, as you are not spending money on expensive medications and treatments that may have been avoided by a healthy diet.

But do not hesitate to occasionally indulge in that latte or a meal out at an expensive restaurant.  These are all things that bring joy and contentment to your life.  Being a strategic money handler requires balancing your needs and wants.  To completely deprive yourself of money to save for your old age is not going to provide you with a happy life.  However, saving for a car, or a downpayment on a house is an important step to living a fulfilling life, therefore, to deprive yourself for a temporary goal is a healthy option.  When managing money, the 50/30/20 rule are guidelines to keep in mind.  What that means is 50% of your money should be spent on your needs, like groceries, rent, and utilities, 30% goes to wants, such as vacations, hobbies, and social events, and 20% to savings, retirement, and debt payments.  I believe you should begin by hiring a financial advisor to help plan your future and alleviate your fear of ending up with no money.  I hope this information will be helpful to you Melissa.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb:

I am a guy in my early thirties.  My girlfriend and I had been living together for eight years until I ended it six months ago.  The problem is I did not want to end it, I just got angry and said it was over and that I was moving out.  A week later I found my own place.  We have been in communication almost daily since I left.  I want her back, but I don’t know how to change things.  I feel if I told her I didn’t really mean it, she would become even angrier and may not want to even be friends with me.  I have noticed that she has some new friends and seems to be especially close to one guy.  He seems like a nice enough guy, but I am still in love with my ex.  Do you think I should take a chance and tell her what I’m feeling in my heart, or should I move on and learn from this mistake?  I still feel the pain and loss as if it happened yesterday.  I need some advice.  Thanks, John.

Hi John:

Thanks for your email and so sorry you are going through this challenging time.  Breakups are always hard, especially when they result from an emotional outburst that was not meant.  It would have been much easier if you had tried to rectify the situation earlier.  Six months is a long time and obviously, your ex has been able to move forward with her life, but you have not.  My feeling is that you should have a heart-to-heart talk with her about how you feel.  It is hard to know how she will take it.  She may be happy, or she may be angry and hurt.  The fact that she has another person who is interested in her may color her response.  It is very sad when people react with such intense emotion that it messes up their lives.  If you choose the other option to move on, you will always wonder what would have happened if you had told her how you feel.  Whatever you decide to do, I believe you would benefit from some counseling to learn how to manage your emotions.  Following are a few tips to help with your emotions.

To begin you need to acknowledge your feelings, that way you will be able to understand if you are overreacting to a situation.  By doing this, you will learn to control your reactions before they escalate.  It is important not to make a life decision while you are under stress or anxiety due to lack of sleep, illness, or financial hardship.  Wait until you are in a good place with your life and have taken the time to think clearly about your decision.  As well, self-care is essential for your well-being, go for walks, cycle, or swim.  Physical activities as well as meditation will help to clear your mind and help you stay centered.  These are all things you can do no matter what you choose to do about your current situation.  Hope I have been helpful.  Best of luck in the future John.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb:

I am in my early twenties, and I live with my single mother.  We have always gotten along great.  Since my parents divorced my mom has dated a few guys, but none seriously until recently.  She has met a guy who is ten years younger than her, but that’s not the issue. 

Mom has been dating Gary for 6 months and they are talking about moving in together.  I am not comfortable with Gary moving in with us, for the simple reason that he makes me feel uncomfortable.  At times he looks at me in an inappropriate way and often brushes against my breasts.  These are not things I can prove, or even say for certain that he is making a pass at me, but my gut is telling me he’s not a good guy.  The problem is I don’t know how to bring this up to my mom.  She has waited so long for the right guy to come along, but I feel if she lets him move in it will not turn out well.  Also, if he moves in, I am considering moving out.  I don’t believe Mom has any idea how I feel or that Gary has been acting inappropriately toward me.  Do you think I should mention my feelings to my mom, or should I just move out? Thanks, Cassie. 

Hi Cassie:

Thank you for your email.  You are in an awkward situation, but I don’t believe you can just move out without mentioning this to your mom.  Women often ignore signs of trouble until it’s too late.  If you are having these feelings about your mom’s boyfriend, you need to trust your gut and tell your mom.  If you don’t mention it to her, she may end up very hurt by this fellow.  Plus, he may try something similar with other members of your family, perhaps younger girls who would not know how to handle a situation like this.

You obviously want your mom to be happy and it sounds like this guy may just bring her heartache.  Have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom.  It may turn out that she was already aware of what he is doing but didn’t want to acknowledge it.  By you bringing it up it will cause her thoughts to become a reality.  If she becomes angry and says you are overreacting, then you need to make a decision.  I hope you will decide to move out and inform other females in your family of what you have experienced.  That is all you can do.  You will have provided your mom with the information; the rest is up to her.  I am happy you chose to write to The Voice Magazine with this information.

Best of luck.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb:

My parents just separated because my dad was having an affair with my aunt (mom’s sister)!  I am devastated!  I thought my aunt and my dad got along well, but I never figured this would happen.  My mom is heartbroken and barely able to function.  Meanwhile my dad wants me to be happy for him, as he says my aunt is the person he should have married in the first place.  I love my aunt and we were always close, but I can’t even look at her now.  My cousin is as shocked as I am (aunt’s son).  How can people do things like this?  I don’t know how to process this; my whole world is upside down.  How can I ever trust my dad again?  Right now, I don’t want to see my dad or my aunt and I don’t know if I will ever want to see them again.  I think I need some help to get through this, do you have any suggestions on what I can do?  

Looking forward to your reply.  Thanks, Jodie.

Hello Jodie:

Thank you for your email.  I am so sorry this has happened to your family.  Everything you believed to be true has come into question.  Your dad betrayed not only your mother but you as well.  Your aunt also betrayed her family.  Life is not always black and white.  People do stupid and hurtful things.  However, remember that your father is still your father, and he will always be your father.  My advice would be to give yourself some time to heal.  Spend time with your mom.  It might be best not to discuss your feelings with her, as she is still trying to process what happened as well.  She was not only betrayed by your dad but also by her sister.  You both must find a way to manage your feelings of grief, anger, and loss.  Do not rush; take your time.  Time will help you to process and manage the pain.

However, if you are still feeling this way after a year, you may need to get some professional help, as would your mother.  All marriages are unique.  Your perspective of your parents’ marriage was from a daughter’s point of view.  What really went on in the marriage is only known by the two people involved, therefore you must let judgment go.  No doubt what your dad and your aunt did was cruel and hurtful, but their reasons may be complicated.  Although your view of your dad has undoubtedly changed, I hope in time you will be able to find some forgiveness for your dad, as forgiveness will also be healing for you.  Best of luck Jodie.

Dear Barb:

I am in my late forties, and I have noticed my face starting to age and my skin sagging.  The lines don’t bother me as much as the sagging jowls and neck.  I have been getting botox and filler injections for the last 5 years, but they are not doing the trick anymore.  I am considering a facelift.  I discussed this with my friends and most of them say go for it!  Although none of them have had a facelift.  My husband says I’m crazy and I look beautiful and should be happy with the way I look.  At times I do feel alright about my appearance, but at other times when I look in the mirror the image does not reflect how I feel inside.  I am interested in hearing your advice and maybe some of your readers could write in and share their views.  Looking forward to reading your response. 

Thanks, Karen.

Hi Karen:

You bring up a very important topic that needs much contemplation before engaging.  For example, critics raise the question of whether cosmetic surgery adds to the oppression of women as well as minorities.  Also, many of the newer procedures have not been studied sufficiently, nor have patients been placed in long-term clinical trials that are required to completely support their safety and efficiency.  A further issue is the health risks of being put under anesthesia for long periods.  These are all issues that need consideration before proceeding.

I believe you are looking at this mostly from an esthetic perspective, with the goal of feeling better about your appearance.  However, some risks and complications can occur with plastic surgery and although they are rare, you must be prepared for this possible outcome.  If the unexpected occurs, you could be left extremely disappointed and even depressed because of the unwanted results.  It is important to enter this procedure with realistic expectations.  It may be a good idea to speak to a counselor before proceeding, to make sure you are prepared.  Also having plastic surgery will not change your life or fix your problems.  All your family and relationship issues will still be there after the procedure, the only difference is that you may be viewing them with a more youthful appearance.  Remember plastic surgery does not stop the aging process, it only trims a few years off, but ultimately you will age as we all do.  The benefits of cosmetic surgery may be most widely felt by individuals who have corrected an obvious deformity.

This is a choice only you can make, but I would suggest you first speak to a counselor to be sure you are ready for the changes and risks plastic surgery can bring into your life.  I hope some of our readers will write in with their stories.

Thank you for your email and best of luck, Karen.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.