Barbara Godin – The Voice

Dear Barb—Setting the Date

Barbara Godin — Tue, 17 Jan 2023 17:09:39 +0000

Dear Barb:

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Mine was wonderful at the time, but now I am having some second thoughts. My boyfriend of four years proposed on Christmas Eve with all my family around. It was such a magical experience that I felt I had to accept. John presented me with a beautiful diamond and immediately wanted to set a date for the wedding. I managed to delay setting a date until the holidays were over, but in reality, I wasn’t ready to set a date or even become engaged. Now I am filled with doubts and second thoughts about going through with the wedding. John is a wonderful guy and we get along great but I am not 100% sure he is the one I want to marry, or maybe it is just not the right time for us to marry.

I don’t know how to tell him how I feel. I am fearful he will want to break up with me and I want to continue our relationship. Should I be honest with him, or just keep trying to put off setting a date until I am sure of what I want to do?

Help, Gillian!

Hi Gillian:

I want to say congratulations, but I’m not sure that is the correct sentiment. Becoming engaged can be a magical time and if we add Christmas Eve to the day, it can be even more captivating. You are not the first person to have second thoughts and you will not be the last. It is important that you address this issue, rather than ignoring it. You cannot keep putting your boyfriend off. You need to be honest and tell him how you feel and that you are not ready to set the date.

You need to give him the chance to understand what is happening as well. He may be okay with agreeing that you two can remain engaged but can wait to set the date until you feel the time is right. However, there is a possibility that your finance will end the relationship; that is a chance you have to take. If he truly cares about your happiness, he will give you the time you need until you are sure about the marriage. It may be a few years, or you may decide he is not the one for you. You must make your happiness a priority, as if you’re not happy in the marriage, it is unlikely to be a happy marriage for him either. A broken engagement is much less complicated than a broken marriage and divorce.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb – don’t Expect Everyone to Grieve the Same Way

Barbara Godin — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

I am in my early twenties and have been having a hard time since my mother died. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about 10 years ago and went through treatment. Fortunately she was well for a long time. All of a sudden the cancer came back and the doctor said there was nothing more they could do for her. Even though our family had lived with the possibility of this happening, I guess I never really thought it would end like this.

My dad seems to be coping better than anybody else. In fact, it has only been nine months since mom died and he’s already been on a date with another woman. I find it tough to see him with another woman. I just don’t think I will ever be able to get over this grief. I can’t stop thinking of all the things I will miss with my mother, like my wedding, my children. I really need some advice. Thanks.

Nancy

Hi, Nancy. Losing a parent at such a young age can be very traumatic. No matter what the circumstances we can never be totally prepared to lose someone. On the other hand, as our parents age we seem to have more time to adjust to the inevitable. Even though you and your family were living with your mother’s cancer, she was able to survive for quite a while and as you say seemed to be well. Therefore it would be easy to convince yourself she was going to beat it.

Perhaps because you were so young when your mother became ill you didn’t fully understand her prognosis, whereas your father was probably more involved with her treatment and subsequently more aware of what was happening. I know it bothers you to see your father with someone else, but do you think your mother would have wanted him to be alone for the rest of his life? Probably not.

Grief is very personal and people experience it in unique ways. You need to give yourself time to heal. Your mother will always be with you, as you are a part of each other. Sometimes it helps to speak to others who have experienced similar circumstances. Therefore I would suggest you talk with your family doctor about joining a support group in your area, or perhaps see a grief counsellor.

Try to remember the good times you shared with your mother. I know this is going to sound like a cliché but time heals all wounds?it really does!

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

Dear Barb – Compromise Shouldn’t Be One-Sided

Barbara Godin — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. We get along great for the most part. Most of the problems that we do have revolve around him wanting to do things with his male friends. He watches a lot of sports, which I don’t mind too much, but I don’t like all the time he spends golfing and playing pool, etc. We have arguments and one of us walks out.

I have always been the one to do the reconciling. After I convince him we can work things out he agrees to reconcile, although nothing ever changes. I want a person I can build a life with and I feel like he is building relationships with his buddies rather than me. My problem is that I really love him and want the relationship to work out so I keep hoping things will improve after we reconcile, but it never does. Help! I need some advice!

Donna

Hi, Donna. People don’t change. They can change some of their behaviours, but only if they are motivated to. Since you have always been the one doing the reconciling, I think you are sending the message that You’re accepting his behaviour in spite of what your words are telling him.

Perhaps after these disagreements or breakups, you need to let things go and see if your boyfriend makes a move to reconcile. If he does he will probably come up with a compromise. Remember the old saying, ?If you love someone set them free. If they come back it is true love; if they don’t, it never was love.?

If he doesn’t do anything to reconcile, as hard as it is you are going to have to accept the fact that this is who he is and what he likes to do and decide if you want to continue the relationship.

It sounds to me like this is not the kind of relationship you want. Some men prefer to fulfill their companionship needs with other men rather than with women. For these types of men, women fulfill different roles in their lives, one of caretaker and intimate partner for the most part. I think you want a relationship where you and your partner fulfill all areas of each others? lives. Although you should keep in mind that everyone needs to spend some time doing things with other people besides their partner, I guess the important factor here is how to balance this time in order to keep both parties happy.

I hope I was helpful. Good luck, Donna.

Dear Barb – Compatibility Matters More Than Age

Barbara Godin — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

I’m in my mid-thirties and have been divorced for quite a while. I share custody of my two children with my ex. I would like to have a partner to share my life with, but I’m finding it very difficult to meet men with whom I have anything in common. I’m a successful woman and find a lot of men my age are intimated by my success, or they compete with me.

A couple of months ago I met a man who is 12 years older than me. We have a great time together for the most part. Unfortunately, as time goes by I’m finding a lot of differences between us that my friends are saying are because of our age difference. For example, he is not very demonstrative, which leaves me wondering where I stand with him. Also, he’s talking about retirement, while I feel my career is just beginning. He has a son in college while my children are eight and 10 years old. When he’s around my children for long periods of time I can see him becoming agitated. I just don’t know what to do. I enjoy his company, but I don’t know if we have a future together.

Christine

Hi, Christine. Thanks for your great question. Age can be a factor in many relationships and often people are able to adjust and work through these issues. Twelve years is not a tremendous amount of time. Remember Anna Nicole Smith, who was in her twenties when she married J. Howard Marshall, who was 89 and just happened to be a millionaire. That’s an extreme situation to say the least.

If you have found someone with whom you get along and have a good time I would suggest you don’t give up just because of age. As far as him not being demonstrative, men and women in their twenties can be that way too; it is a personality trait and not really related to age. All relationships require some adjusting, more so as we become older and set in our ways.

Since you share custody of your children with their father, your partner will not have to be with them 24/7, so that shouldn’t be a problem. As for him talking about retirement and you being in a different phase of your life that could become a problem, but it doesn’t have to. If he wants a companion to travel with and you are not able to, you will have to work out a compromise. Really these are issues that are quite a way down the road. A lot of things may change by then.

Why don’t you just enjoy the relationship and see where it takes you? If two people love each other enough they can overcome almost anything. Hope I was helpful, Christine.

Dear Barb – don’t Let Details Clutter the Big Picture

Barbara Godin — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

This may seem like a trivial thing to write to an advice column about, but I am totally stressed out. Easter is just around the corner and I’m hosting the family dinner this year. My parents are getting older so my sisters and I have decided to take turns. I was planning on preparing a ham dinner, but one of my sisters says she won’t eat ham. This is news to me since she always ate it in the past.

I want everyone to enjoy their dinner, so I then suggested a pork roast. Well, my brother-in-law doesn’t like pork. I don’t want to cook a turkey since we had turkey for Christmas dinner. So it seems like I’m left with lamb or roast beef. I know my dad doesn’t care for lamb, but he would never complain. Aside from the dinner problems, two of my brothers-in-law are not getting along with each other. It seems one bought a new vehicle and the other one has his nose out of joint about it. I just feel like taking my parents out for dinner and forgetting about everyone else, but I know they want us to all be together. Please help before I go crazy!

Alyshia

Hi, Alyshia. I don’t think your situation is trivial. In fact, I think there are a lot of people feeling the same way you do right now. These are the exact reasons many people do not enjoy holidays. Experiencing stressful family gatherings while growing up will cause feelings that carry on into adulthood and ruin many special occasions. For many people, the anxiety begins weeks before the occasion as they anticipate things that may occur. It’s likely that in many cases the anticipation causes more stress than the actual event.

If you are hosting the family dinner, then I think it is up to you to decide what you want to prepare. If your last meal was turkey, then I can see why you would not want to prepare it again. You are never going to be able to please everyone. Hopefully you can present enough of a variety of foods that each person will find something they like.

As for the relationship problems between your brothers-in-law, I would suggest you try to ignore it. Your job is to bring the family together for a nice meal. How they choose to interact with each other is beyond your control.

Happy Easter, Alyshia, and try to look at the bigger picture: that your family are together and that your parents are still able to share the day with all of you.

Dear Barb – Find a Compromise Before Heading to the Altar

Barbara Godin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

I’m engaged to be married this year. I have been dating my fiancé for five years. We have always got along well, until recently. As we began planning our married life together I noticed that John was very definite in the way he wants our life to be. For example, we both work but he feels the man should manage the money. I don’t agree. I feel we should have our own bank accounts and work out who will pay which bill, etc. I have told John how I feel but he’s not willing to compromise. I’m a very independent person and I really don’t want to do this, but I don’t want to jeopardize our life together. How can I get him to understand how important this is to me?

Ellen

Dear Ellen, thanks for bringing up this very important topic.

Managing the finances in marriage is vital to making the partnership work. You need to discuss and resolve this issue before you marry. Is there any reason why your fiancé feels he would be a better money manager than you? It seems that he simply believes that the man should manage money. Perhaps his father always managed the money at home and he feels That’s the way it should be. How have you managed your money up to this point? Have you been irresponsible, thus causing him to be concerned?

I firmly believe if two people are working and contributing to the household, then they should have an equal say in how the finances are to be managed. Neither person should have to ask the other for money. As well, each should have a bank account with money he or she can spend without having to explain those choices to the other person.

You said you have discussed how you feel but your fiancé isn’t willing to compromise. Therefore I would suggest that you talk to a marriage counsellor or a credit counsellor. Perhaps John needs some reassurance that you can manage the finances effectively as a couple. For example, you should decide together how much each of you will contribute toward household expenses, savings, future purchases, and retirement. A credit counsellor can help you set up a budget. As well, a 50/50 split many not be adequate if one party makes considerably more than the other.

If this information is presented properly, by knowledgeable individuals, your fiancé should be open to compromise. After all, I’m sure he doesn’t want to start off his married life with problems present. I hope this information was helpful, and good luck with your wedding plans.

Dear Barb – It’s Time to Shake Up the Status Quo

Barbara Godin — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

I am 28 years old and have always lived at home with my parents. I have three sisters and they are all married and have families. I have a girlfriend, but it is not a serious relationship. I’ve never wanted to move out of my parents? home, even though all my friends have their own places. Therefore I was devastated when my parents recently announced that they are selling the house and moving to Florida.

Where am I supposed to go now? I can’t believe they are leaving me with nowhere to go. Parents aren’t supposed to do this, are they?

Randy

Hey, Randy, good for your parents! They are moving on with their lives, just as you should be doing. Your parents have taken care of you long beyond the time they had to and now It’s time for them to enjoy their life.

If you were in school that may be a different situation, but you didn’t mention if you are or if you are out working. I assume you are working and have probably saved up a bit of money through the years. Therefore you will have a good start on your new life.

It sounds to me as though you have become comfortable with the status quo. Try to think of this as a new adventure; get excited about having your own place with your own things. No one can tell you what to do, what to eat, or when to clean up. There is a great sense of freedom in having your own space.

I’m sure you can see that I’m trying to get you to look forward to your future. Your parents have probably worked all their lives and are finally able to do what they want. It must have been difficult for them to make the decision to move and sell their home. You need to show them that you are okay and will be able to take care of yourself.

So, Randy, yes parents are supposed to do this. They have a responsibility to raise their children to become responsible adults who are able to care for themselves. Sometimes adult children just need a little push along the road of life and that may be exactly what your parents are doing for you.

Good luck, Randy, and thanks for writing.

Dear Barb – Time Will Tell if He’s Over the Past

Barbara Godin — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

I recently began dating a great guy. We have a lot in common and get along fabulously. My problem is that about six months before we met he had been in a relationship and was very much in love. This girl was cheating on Dan and ultimately she broke off the relationship. Dan says he was devastated and spent the last six months participating in some pretty promiscuous behaviour. He tells me is he now over her and is falling in love with me, but he still talks about her a lot. I also had been in a relationship that ended because I was cheated on. I’m wondering if I should be concerned about this girl re-entering Dan’s life and me being dumped. I’m not sure if I should continue in this relationship as I really don’t want to be hurt again. Thanks for your advice.

Rebecca

Hi, Rebecca. It appears as though you have both been through a rough time, which may work for you or against you.

Since you have both experienced the pain of betrayal, you know how it feels and It’s unlikely that you would want to cause someone else this pain. On the other hand, you both may be on the rebound from these previous relationships and clinging to each other. If this is the case, when you have healed yourself you may find this isn’t the relationship you want to be in.

There are no guarantees in life, but if you don’t take a chance you could miss out on what may be a wonderful relationship. You mentioned that it has been six months since this relationship broke up, so he has had some time to heal, although not a lot. Perhaps you could just take your time and go slowly.

Watch for red flags. You said he is talking about her a lot; that should stop as your relationship grows. If it doesn’t, that would be an indication that he is not over her. You said that he has been assuring you that he is over the past. Perhaps you should try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

For many people, cheating is a deal breaker and reconciliation is not an option. Since you have experienced a similar situation, how do you feel about the person that did this to you? Would you want to leave a good relationship to return to one where the person has already broken your trust? I think taking a chance on a new relationship, where there are no trust issues, would be less risky than returning to one where there have been those issues. Something to think about.

Good luck, Rebecca. Give the relationship a chance and try to focus on the positive.

Dear Barb – Lending Money to Family Can Come at a Price

Barbara Godin — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

My younger brother and I have always been really close until he got married three years ago. My husband and I have never gotten along with his wife. In fact, Melissa seems to have a problem getting along with everyone. Recently Melissa and Jay have gotten into financial difficulties and Jay has approached me and my husband about borrowing money. We haven’t decided yet whether we will lend it to them.

My concerns are that Melissa will get into an argument with us as an excuse not to pay us back. I’m trying to maintain a relationship with my brother in spite of his wife and I’m not sure if we should take a chance and lend them the money. Either way could end up causing problems between us. Not sure what to do.

Anne

Hi, Anne. Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I will try to help you sort it out.

You are in a very delicate situation that is further complicated by the fact that you and your sister-in-law don’t get along that well. You didn’t say what has caused your brother and his wife to have these financial difficulties. Was it careless spending, or did they lose their jobs? Are there alcohol and drug problems, or other irresponsible behaviours? If either or both have alcohol or drug problems, lending them money will be enabling them to continue with this destructive behaviour. Therefore there would be no debating the right thing to do in that situation.

If they have gotten into this position through no fault of their own, then you may have to think carefully about what you want to do. My belief is that if you are going to lend money to family, It’s best to be prepared for the possibility that you may not get it back. You don’t want money to come between you and family members.

For example, if you need the money and are expecting to be paid by a certain date and they don’t pay, you can be sure your relationship will be affected. You also have to consider your husband’s feelings about lending money to your brother and his wife. You don’t want to cause strain in your marriage.

If you cannot afford to lose the money then my advice would be not to lend it. If you decide to lend the money and you get it back, then consider it a bonus. I hope this advice is helpful.

Dear Barb – Grandmother Shouldn’t Be Obligated to Babysit

Barbara Godin — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Barb:

I lost my husband two years ago. It was a very difficult time in my life. I was quite lonely and as a result I began spending a lot of time with my grandchildren, babysitting etc. Recently I have met a widower and we are spending time together. My son is getting upset that I am not always available to babysit as frequently as I used to. He is making me feel guilty because I am spending time with this gentleman.

My grandkids are getting older, developing their own lives with friends as well as becoming involved in many sports activities. I still want to be involved with my grandchildren, but shouldn’t I be entitled to have a life of my own life as well? I was hoping I could have my son read your response to help him understand how I feel.

Irene

Dear Irene, what a great question. I’m sure many grandparents are in similar situations. Your son has probably gotten accustomed to the ease of just phoning up grandma when he needed a babysitter. Now he can’t do that. He will not only have to make other arrangements, but most likely will have to pay someone, which he may or may not have done with you.

You do not need to feel guilty. Everyone is entitled to live his or her life to the fullest. You have fulfilled your obligation to raise your children and now It’s their turn to raise their own children. Not to say you shouldn’t babysit, but it should be at your convenience. A lot of grandparents make the decision early on that they will not babysit grandchildren. They don’t want to take on that role. Obviously you chose to babysit, as it probably helped you in your grief while helping out your son as well.

The bond between grandparents and their grandchildren is a special one and should be honoured. You can maintain that relationship without having to babysit. Perhaps you can include your new friend in some activities with your grandchildren. Depending on whether he has grandchildren or not, this could be an enjoyable, fun activity you can both share.

I think you should discuss your feelings with your son and, if you feel It’s necessary, give him this column to read. It may take a while for him to come around, but ultimately if he wants you to be happy, he will understand.