Someone thought that Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman would be an incredible team on screen and figured “who cares about the script–they always bring in the money!” Or so it seems anyway. My concern is how they managed to sucker these two more-than-capable actors into performing in this crap.

The plot goes this way. Two lounge singers–and they are awful at the job–get booked to play the Ishtar Hilton, somewhere in the Middle East. Somehow, they become pawns in an international power play between the CIA, the Emir of Ishtar, and the rebels trying to overthrow his regime.

The film has horrible jokes, overacting and the worst thing of all is that the adoration that some people have for the two stars actually leads them to call this film a work of comic genius. This is far from the truth. Hoffman and Beatty go to great lengths to make the film work but fail miserably. They overact and work too hard to sell the jokes — the crawling across the desert scene, for example, is just tragic.

The director, Elaine May, previously directed Robin Williams in the well received remake of The Birdcage, and previously wrote screenplays for both Beatty and Hoffman — Heaven Can Wait and Tootsie respectively–both of which were very successful. This most likely explains why the megastars agreed to appear in this horrid project.

Most of the other actors are not especially well known however Matt Frewer (who used to star in the Max Headroom TV show), Tess Harper, Isabelle Adjani (a huge star in France) and Gharles Grodin are in it. I would bet that most of the budget was used on the two main stars.

The costumes look hokey, which does not help, nor does the scenery which does not convince me that they are filming in the real locations.

The film was supposed to be in the style of the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope productions of the 1940s, but was plagued by production problems and budgets hold ups.

Crazy lady, Carol Kane, is in this too. Oh well. I wish it helped.

This film is at the top of the list of stinkers for many but some still think it’s ok. The Razzies (horrible film awards) nominated it three times and the Rotten Tomatoes also ranks the film as “Rotten.” Generally this film is rated at 3 to 4 stars out of 10 and still gets many nominations for poor quality programming. What’s your impression? Tell The Voice.

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

This film begins a new year (Happy New Year!) and starts the month of horrible films, which I picked because January weather can be so awful. At least, that sounds like a good excuse! I’m sure we’ve all seen them and that begins a squabble with some of you. I won’t argue with you. I’m sure many of you have votes that are justified for films that should be reviewed as true stinkers.

Chopper Chicks has a problem from the beginning. The budget is obviously rock bottom. There isn’t a name actor in there (well, none that were names at the time). Jamie Rose as Dede or “Face” is the star and has done a few good films. She is at least a pretty and capable actress. I like her look. She is a pretty redhead who manages to skirt around being a ditz or flake all the while being very attractive. Catherine Carlen as Rox is so tough as the lesbian gang leader that she is frightening. Her performance goes over the top, but then whose doesn’t in this film? Rox does a ridiculously sultry song in a bar that all but has her climaxing to the tune. There are no lyrics on the jukebox she’s singing to–when was the last time a karaoke bar leased a jukebox? I suppose I should be glad she’s not singing against the singer but it annoyed me in so many ways.

A virtually unrecognizable Billy Bob Thornton is Dede’s husband, apparently missing his pretty wife. He has a few lines here and there but unless he opens his mouth and says something (as opposed to kissing) you won’t figure out who he is right away. His performance works but it’s far from brilliant. Don Calfa as Ralph Willum is best remembered as the hit man who couldn’t seem to kill his target in Weekend at Bernie’s. In this film he gets a butt shot and turns into a mad scientist kind of guy as he installs a “battery” in the brains of the people he murders. This turns the people into leg dragging zombies.

I found myself wondering if the music was the worst thing about this movie, but no, there are some really crappy script points that beat out the score for that honour! I found myself moaning over the blind orphans trapped in a broken down bus being attacked by the zombies. Who couldn’t see that coming?! [Ed: Presumably, the blind orphans… Heh. Couldn’t resist!] Add to this the delightfully trite moniker of the girl’s bike gang: Cycle Sluts. Of course they are all crazy to have sex with anything that walks–although that may be overstating things as they don’t seem willing to settle for the zombies. Adding to the cheese factor, a blind orphan comments on the “midget” hit man, only to have the little person remind him that the proper term is “dwarf.”

One good point is that the script does have the requisite character development even if it is served up in occasional heaps rather than smaller, more believable doses.

To make the killer Cycle Sluts into better characters the script then ends with the girls driving off with a pile of money from the townspeople for saving their town. That’s just fine, but flinging the money over their shoulders onto the highway as they drive off doesn’t strike me as a fitting action for the character of Rox.

This film tries too hard, suffers from an unbelievable story, handled in a trite manner and lost me with its clichés. I wanted to see a low budget film that impressed me but I got let down. If you see this movie and have a different opinion (like The Voice editor does!) [ed. I laughed my ass off!] please let me know. 89 minutes of your time is needed.

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

When I think of the crop circle phenomenon I always ask myself about the people they are consulting and how many naysayers they hear. I was very surprised about this particular film. There is a rich supply of information and naysayers are limited simply because they have no answers either. Crop Circles opens with some of the most stunning views of so many different “circles” that it is a great visual tour de force. The producers also ask many questions and seek true answers with concrete details. I like a program willing to do that.

There are fascinating details in this film regarding the specifics of crop circles and each are well described. There are a number of individuals who need to be mentioned. I wish I had the column space to credit all of them. There are professors and experts in biology as well as circle researchers who fascinate me. There is a group of people who were to be in one location researching circles but by accident were on the wrong side of the hill when a number of fascinating phenomena happened. They all reported the same experiences and one man stated; “if this was a carefully orchestrated hoax it was brilliant because we weren’t supposed to be there!” The rationale was well delivered.

In case anyone hasn’t thought this out, “crop circle” is now a rather outdated term as so many of these patterns are anything but circles. One amazing pattern was pinwheel shaped and had 149 circles! It became a favorite pattern to dazzle visitors. It was the most visited and complex pattern at its time of appearance in 1996. There were many who stated that 1996 was a climax point for crop circles in England.

Comparisons were made and theories were given about the style changes around the world. One Oregon circle appeared to be rather spindly and North American Indian in style (frankly, I thought it looked faked). The English circles are far more computer template-like in their extreme precision and details.

Mathematical details are brought into play and boggle the mind on their possible meanings. But they also cite a perfect way to spot a faked circle. Faked circles often have far less precise lines such as broken corn or wheat and do not have the intricate woven pattern. Batteries on cameras do not die and embryo changes do not occur. These experiences are interesting.

Biological details of genetic changes in the crop embryos are fascinating and the likelihood of their natural appearance is discussed. The Doug and Dave phenomenon (two men in England claiming to make all circles) is explained and bashed to pieces nicely, including the famous bar buddies’ claims being tested. The pair apparently had no knowledge of many of the nightly appearances of circles and many experts immediately dubbed their claims “unbelievable.”

The analysis of the physics explanation of a crop circle’s formation and the details of its development are amazing. Who has studied “gravitational radiation”? Apparently little is known about this phenomena but the theory is it would require waves of energy compressed and expanded in space and time and thus would cause matter to vibrate!! This is how they theorize a circle would form by non-human method. So neat to wrap my head around!

The pace of this film can be slow and can be a bit dull but I found it very informative and richly diverse on locations and viewpoints so I have to recommend it. But small touches (like the perfect clarification of the meaning of U.F.O. and a clear analysis of a reported film of a circle formation) make this an incredibly well put together project.

Let me know if you’ve seen this project and liked it.

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

This made for TV film has been in high demand on channels like the Discovery and the Learning Channels. The summer months often produce high demand programs in specialty weeks like Shark Week and UFO week., and this film is a result of the latter.

British TV producer Martin Belverson was smart enough to film Area 51 as a four-part TV series to allow it to be shown on the network channels. The second episode is very interesting and features a seemingly thorough investigation of the site. The film crew visited the area and spoke to many local participants in the whole UFO mystery. When the crew decided to fly over the area in a small plane, which I’ve never seen done before, they were apparently buzzed by military planes and forced into leaving the area. This area is known as Groom Lake.

The entire Groom Lake area has been carefully cordoned off by the American government in a final attempt to keep nosy people away. The last remaining safe place to observe the Area 51 section from is Tikaboo Peak, which is watched by military folk. That doesn’t stop teams of “sight-seers” from visiting into the wee hours of the morning, however. Planes fly over during the day and activities are monitored by the patrols at night. Some people say they have been arrested and detained at the site and reportedly grilled.

Veteran TV news reporter, George Knapp, whom I have had the delight of “speaking” to in many emails, makes it infinitely clear in Area 51 that he has investigated the site many times. This in itself has impressed me enormously as he shares my disgust at the closed-mindedness of some members of the journalistic community. Despite his solid career credentials investigating many corporate crimes and other hard-boiled stories he is still known throughout the journalism community as “the UFO guy”. Yet Knapp insists that he has never seen anything remotely unexplainable at the Area 51 site, and he continues to go back to see what he can. I respect that attitude enormously.

In Area 51, the film crew identifies the security patrols as private contractors flown in from a private area of an airport. The patrols at the base tour around in O.J.-style white trucks and are more than willing to do the “bad cop bad cop” routine on anyone found illegally in the area.

The famous black mailbox, which isn’t even black, is a marker to watch out for as is the “Warning” sign at the entrance to the road (which is unmarked along “Extraterrestrial Highway”.) The sign explains that trespassers may be subject to deadly force, a U.S. Federal prison life sentence, and revocation of American citizenship. These are pretty serious charges for a place that supposedly “doesn’t exist” according to lawyers representing the U.S. government in a Nevada court when several government workers began a long lawsuit on the basis of being denied medical coverage, treatment or care after being contaminated during work. The film claims that a group of workers watched as a co-worker died a hideous death from exposure to a toxic chemical and then were told not to speak or seek care. Many of them supposedly began to experience severe symptoms themselves. Eventually President Bill Clinton signed a bill denying information about the site being used in court and essentially let the workers hang. Another claim is that their lawyer’s office is cordoned off from the public and he is being forced slowly to lose business by the U.S. government.

The film also talks about ways in which buildings within Area 51 have been disguised to look like everything from mountain terrain (painted on the exterior of aircraft hangers) and the existence of secret underground facilities. Again, that sounds like an awful lot of trouble to go to for a reported “bombing range”. Former workers have also reported projects attempting to duplicate an unknown craft’s propulsion system. Indeed some of the craft said to be launched from the site have are very similar to a classic description of a UFO.

This program is one of the more interesting in the UFO TV investigation game. Go to this site for a few more comments on the show: http://www.ufomind.com/area51/list/1997/jan/a07-009.shtml

From UFOs to possible life on other planets, this column goes places!

Mars Mission is really a videotape of a United Nations presentation by speaker Richard D. Hoagland. Talking to the honorable assembly would be pretty cool for me but to a former NASA scientist maybe not. He is easily the most interesting speaker I’ve heard in a while and makes sure that every base is covered during his presentation.

Richard begins with a basic history of the face on Mars and its discovery. He amazes me by giving credit where credit is due. He gives out team member’s names and acknowledges their contributions. I rarely hear that from people. He states the process of doubt and the team’s questions to themselves and each other. He shows us that this is not a group of gullible kids in a room going, “hey man, that rock kinda looks like…”

He then gets into details of the rock and planet and that’s where the fun begins. We are taken on a trip to math class. Only this math kind of gets spooky. I’m not able to balance my checkbook on a bad day, and looking at the quantum physics calculations made me dizzy.

We learn what a tetrahedron is and what it has to do with the calculations of planetary physics. This shape is very important and anyone wanting to really understand what is going on should remember the shape and the basic repeating number. Richard makes that frightfully easy as he continues to show the repetitions of the number in Mars and Earth geography. We then branch out and see it on other planets and why it means something to those balls of spinning atoms.

Freakier still are the connections he touches on. Stonehenge, primitive man, planetary travel, crop circles and how they somehow connect into Mars again. Or is it that Earth connects into Mars? The most haunting moment for me was when I saw the illustration of Earth and Mars shrunk to corresponding sizes and how the Sphinx of Egypt, the nearby city and the Giza pyramids lay perfectly over the exact same shapes on Mars (face, tholus and pyramidal shapes.) How odd such perfectly coordinated shapes could fit on the exact same areas of land on two separate planets!

Now all the while the American space agency NASA has been disputing these calculations and the meaning of a face on a separate planet. Yet at the same time they will not investigate and we find out they have a seriously bummed up track record. The agency has been warned, investigated and cautioned by the government many times. This leaves little confidence in their willingness to look at the questions of a respected scientist in a fair and open-minded manner.

Now of course one wonders what do all of these points, mathematic calculations and inferences mean? I’m not sure even Richard D. Hoagland knows the answer to that. It says to me, “hard to explain.” It says, “please stop listening to NASA.”

If you want to see further information check out his book, The Monuments of Mars, or some of the links listed below. The first link, if you scroll down, has some absolutely awesome photos. My favorites are of the “glass tunnels.” Amazing. Others include inexplicable “pyramids” and a “face” in the sea of Japan.

The second link takes you to a portion of the speech from Richard at the UN Assembly and illustrates the face on Mars and the cool reaction from the assembly when they “get” it. I hope you enjoy this unique site and film.

http://www.enterprisemission.com/catbox.htm
http://www.lunaranomalies.com/images/UN.mov

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

The month of December is dedicated to unique occult films that make me curious about interesting phenomena. The world is filled with interesting mysteries and some people have actually sunk money, time and energy into trying to unravel them.

The first of these unique projects is one I picked up in a cheap DVD bin for about 7 bucks. I figured it was worth a laugh but the laugh was on me. Former James Bond himself, Roger Moore, narrates the TNT television special. The still handsome Mr. Moore shows us some startling film footage and careful research.

The film depicts the fiery crash of a UFO (let me be really clear. I’m NOT saying extraterrestrial craft I’m saying “unknown flying object”). This object supposedly smashed up in Russia in March of 1969. In the film footage (a chunk showing footage of the interior of the craft is still not found and released to the public) we can see a troop of Russian soldiers arrive and take orders to guard while the craft is filmed and investigated. Two cameras document the event and then the fun begins. The TNT project picks apart the film we see. First, they ask the questions we need answered: Is this an authentic 1969 film with real Russian soldiers? The weapons, film and clothing are analyzed as well as the surrounding areas, by experts of Russian culture. This impressed me. The experts say that the film itself is marked with a clear marking from a known Russian film lab. The weapons are dated and analyzed as proper era Russian weapons. The clothing is correct-issue for the era and the use.

Next is amazing footage of a Russian MIG fighter jet apparently chasing a UFO. Then, just as the MIG pilot is told to lock on and shoot down the UFO, the jet itself is destroyed by the unknown craft! The pilot clearly moves inside the cockpit and the footage seems eerily real. I sat amazed. I then became curious. What did they tell the widow of the MIG fighter pilot? What happened to the remains of the craft? How did the UFO knew the MIG was going to fire on it? Were the occupants monitoring the human conversations? Did they have to contact their own chiefs of command prior to shooting down the earth fighter craft or were they simply told, “defend yourselves if necessary”?

In a most interesting twist we then see a Russian version of the alien autopsy film that became such an American controversy. There are some SERIOUS differences between the Russian and American versions. The American film footage had the team covered in sterile white gowns, gloves, mask etc. The film was later decided to be a hoax for one reason–which annoyed me: the fingers used on an instrument in the autopsy by the surgeon were incorrect! Hmmm ok. I remember clearly watching the finest Hollywood special effects people puzzle over how the cutting and slicing were faked on the film. These effects masters stated, on film, that they couldn’t create those effects to this day, and yet the fingers were wrong with the autopsy tool so it had to be a fake! Moan…

In the Russian version there wasn’t much left of the apparently purplish carcass (no head, legs or hands) and the torso yielded little information on camera. The people attending the autopsy were ungloved, and mask-less. The TNT experts were asked if this made any sense and they stated that it was standard because of the poverty experienced in Russia. They also showed more modern footage from a well known medical establishment that seemed to prove where the autopsy took place. To quote Star Trek’s Mr. Spock, “Fascinating.”

This film is still available on DVD and despite the sound quality going up and down in my copy I recommend this for anyone fascinated by mysteries. There are many interesting moments and Roger Moore does a great job of being relaxed and asking the right questions for the viewers.

Look at this website for more information and some great still photos: http://ufocasebook.com/russia1969.html

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

Focus on Bruce Willis

There are few films gave me the incredible gasp I had as I found the “solution” to this one. This one grabbed me by my breasts and wrung hard! OUCH!

Bruce Willis, as Malcolm Crowe, is a happily married man who starts to have some problems when he and his wife go upstairs for some nookie one night. A former client of the child psychologist, (Vincent Grey, played by an absolutely unrecognizable Donnie Wahlberg, Mark Wahlberg’s brother) emerges from the bathroom to interrupt the happy couple’s strip tease. The now grown boy is stripped down to almost nothing. He is very upset and Bruce knocked me flat with his performance as a nervous man trying to deal with an upset person.

It takes him a while to remember who this guy is. When he finally realizes the name and case he winds up shot and the client then commits suicide in the bathroom. The entire scene is brilliantly set up so that people who are nervous about gory blood stuff don’t have to freak out.

We back out of the bedroom as his wife tries to deal with Malcolm’s injury. Then we rejoin him a year later as he is working on a case of a small boy, Cole Sear, played astonishingly well by Haley Joel Osment. Cole is not able to really enjoy his world. The boy has many of the same problems that the dead ex-patient had and Malcolm thinks he can redeem himself by helping this boy, who has all kinds of strange “behavior” problems. His mother keeps finding all the cupboards open, and her son is the only possibly suspect. It takes a long time before his mother will really believe he’s not doing these things to her. Some brilliant dialogue occurs when the nervous child asks his mother more than once if she is angry with him. She assures the child with the same wording every time. “Look at my face” she tells him, and then asks him if it looks like an angry face. It is a wonderful touch to the film.

A long while later Malcolm finds out that the child “sees dead people” as the now famous line reads. He delivers the line in incredible awe and leaves us beautifully creeped out. Unfortunately Malcolm thinks the child is delusional and dictates that he may need to be medicated and hospitalized.

Brilliant director M. Night Shyamalan puts the film together in such a way that we do not suspect the brilliant end to this film. It grabs you and makes you shudder.

I love this film and highly recommend owning and watching it, especially on ghostly holidays like Halloween.

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

Focus on Bruce Willis

This film is a real departure for the very good-humored Mr. Willis. He first appears as a scruffy guy in army fatigues–almost Fidel Castro-ish–FBI agent, Art Jeffries. I found myself liking his bearded and burly look. Then off it comes and he’s in a business suit… ah well, whatever.

Bruce looks older than he normally does and I wonder if he’s had “work” done since then. I don’t care–I’m just curious. He is so slim now and looks much more “radiant” (I’m sure men shouldn’t be described in that way, but he does).

The plot of Mercury Rising goes like this: Art was present at a hold up in another city and never got over it. He has a huge piece of baggage regarding children and can’t cut it loose. Along comes his next case. A little autistic boy, Simon (Miko Hughes), is the only person to unscramble the most complex code devised by the government. The government has set up a phone number within a puzzle book they hid the code in “just to make sure” no one can read it. When little Simon ends up calling “the stranger” after dialing the number hidden in the puzzle book, they trace his call and the next thing you know the bad guys come and kill Simon’s parents. The government doesn’t like the fact that anyone can untangle their precious code.

This is when Art gets on the case and he arrives only to find Simon hidden in an attic wall. Simon has one little problem– if he doesn’t recognize someone from his little picture list, he screams if they touch him. This creates a bit of a problem for real-life dad Mr. Willis, who has to carry the screaming, kicking child around to get him away from the bad guys who are now on their trail. Soon, after an inconveniently timed nap, Art realizes the child is missing.

Simon is quickly found but Art realizes he’s going to need a little bit of help. He goes into a coffee shop to get Simon his cocoa drink and recruits pretty shoe saleswoman, Stacey (Kim Dickens) as a reluctant babysitter, who also lets the child escape for a time. Soon after though, Art returns to Stacey, this time at a ridiculous hour at her home. He begs and pleads his way in and then finds that she can handle Simon really well.

Art is back on the run again soon after and connects to a buddy in the force who allows him to “steal” his car until morning. Soon Art is on run again, first on the Chicago L train, then in an ambulance where Simon won’t stop playing with the siren.

As you can, of course, guess all turns out okay, but as usual my mouth is shut on how.

Willis’s character has the added complication of being addicted to some prescription pills for the early part of this film, but his kicks his habit midway through and chucks the pill bottle out a window.

I enjoyed this film and enjoyed seeing Bruce in such a “human” and believable appearance. It’s a shame so many actors don’t let themselves look “real”. It makes me cozy to see people in show biz look like real people.

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

Focus on Bruce Willis

It seems like only yesterday that the actor with the most films in my personal collection–had hair! This film is still an amazing kick and mighty fun. Also, it has a good mushy ending.

Here is the premise: an off-duty cop gets ready to spend Christmas with his ex-wife. He’s bushed and he’s really glum. While his limo driver cools his heels downstairs, John McClane is waiting upstairs in the bathroom for his wife’s office party to end. He cleans up and then terrorists take over.

Slowly John starts to put everything together and finds that he’s the only one inside the building free to roam around and bring the bad guys down. He only has a service revolver and his wits. This is where the skilled writing shows itself. I don’t know how to imagine myself performing a bunch of cool defense moves. Maybe some writers are incredibly visual and can dream up gadgets and gimmicks that writers like me can’t.

Bad guy Hans Gruber is played by Alan Rickman, British actor par excellence. Recently, Alan has been famous for his Snape role in the Harry Potter film series. He is such an incredible actor that he insisted on doing the fall-off-the-building shot despite having a really bad back. I both admire and condemn that mentality. Injury in the name of your occupation strikes me as insane! But I admire dedication to realism.

The realism in this project extends to the unforeseen troubles the bad guys encounter is opening up the safe they are attempting to rob. Money is their motive for taking everyone hostage and they are deeply involved in whether they are going to get it. Also realistic is the savage manner in which the hostages are dealt with when they do not cooperate and the manner in which the hostages speak to Hans. When John’s wife, Holly, played by Bonnie Bedelia, needs to go to the bathroom, Hans ensures that’s all she is going to do.

Former Russian ballet star Alexander Godunov, who shares my birth date, is another bad guy. I can’t say his performance is any screaming heck but maybe that’s why he’s not a name actor these days.

I like the use of the building and its varied stages of construction as a vehicle for Bruce to work within. The building itself becomes a secondary character so to speak. It has its own life and its own stage of existence. The building becomes a vault, a trap and a salvation all in one.

The cop who helps John from the outside is Sgt. Al Powell, played by Reginald VelJohnson. He is also a go between for John’s feelings of being trapped and expression of his love for his wife. The sergeant is asked to do a drive by after a botched attempt for John to get help on a stolen walkie talkie from the bad guys. It so happens that John has a few ideas more than the sergeant figured to get his attention. I won’t tip you off to how that’s done. I want you to watch and enjoy.

This film is non-stop intensity and has great moments of action to it as well. Enjoy this old classic, and seeing Bruce with hair!

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).

Focus on Bruce Willis

I realized the other day that the majority of films in my collection star Bruce Willis, so I decided that I should do a Bruce Willis month. I therefore start with my personal favorite, Armageddon.

Bruce stars as Harry Stamper, a loose cannon who know how to get things done on his oceanic oil rig. He’s the guy the world gets when they have problems and need them settled. Problem is, he’s a bit unconventional!

Also aboard is his daughter’s boyfriend/fiancé, A.J. Frost, played by Ben Affleck. This film is one of those rare projects with an incredibly well developed supporting cast. The script is rife with incredible monologues and hilarious sight gags. There are moments I want to preserve forever and others that have burnt into my brain and refuse to leave. Perhaps that’s why Armageddon won the 1996 Best Adapted Screenplay and 1997 Best Original Screenplay Academy Awards.

Grace (Liv Tyler), Bruce’s daughter, who steadfastly refuses to call him daddy, is the backbone of the business end of the company. She works well covered in oil from a new gusher and speaks Japanese fluently. Steve Buscemi really floors me as Rockhound. He has some amazingly funny lines and scenes. The killer lines are so funny I all but collapse as he deadpans them. He rotates from being a complete goof to being the genius on the mission. Hulking Michael Clark Duncan is “Bear”, the hilariously sweet big guy that doesn’t fit in with Duncan’s usual huge tough guy repertoire — probably why he took the job. I’d want to play a sobbing guy who bumps and grinds my hips in a medical exam too! Rounding out the team is Owen Wilson as geologist Oscar. He isn’t the most prominent character in the group but he is very interesting addition.

The plot is fun. We’ve got that meteor heading for Earth thing going on. Of course it has to be enormous. The world will be destroyed if we don’t stop it, and the only way to do that is to detonate a nuclear bomb from a channel within the rock. Of course, the meteor is virtually solid iron in the place they mistakenly land. EEK! When they have to drill through it they find that the drill bit they start with hasn’t even made ten feet. They need to make it to 800 feet. The government, unfortunately, doesn’t believe in them and has decided to send along a group of bad guys who will blow them up if the depth isn’t reached in time. That becomes exactly what they plan to do until of course Harry steps in and begins to work out the problem with the head of the team.

In the meantime, poor Rockhound has been tied up with duct tape — to a wall! He insists his insane antics of riding a nuclear bomb and clowning around are fine and that he’s able to detonate the bomb when he needs to. Wisely, no one believes him!

Straws are drawn and A.J. wins, or is that loses, the task of staying behind to blow up the malfunctioning missile. Harry decides to ensure his daughter’s squeeze makes it to the site safely and accompanies him. He, of course, breaks A.J.’s oxygen supply and sends him back to the ship with the instructions to “take care of my little girl”. A.J. is left to return and marry Grace. This is a problem because Harry promised Grace he’d return to the Earth. She is teary-eyed as he calls from the rock to apologize. Troubles ensue when he has to detonate the bomb by himself manually and has no time to get clear. The ship has to take off without him.

This film rocks (oops! Pardon the pun!) and is on the top of my list of giggle-’till-I’m -rying films! Hope you enjoy it too.

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).