Even in our own relatively organized North America, it is clear that the wilderness poses a serious impediment to our progress as a species. Take a look, for instance, at the vast stretches of temperate rainforest spread like a blight across the Pacific Northwest. This space, to put it bluntly, is very poorly arranged and under utilized. Many of you will be surprised to hear, for instance, that the majority of it remains unlogged, unpaved and inaccessible right up to the present day, and therefore completely devoid of big box retailers, and even Starbucks outlets.

Besides the fact that so-called pristine wilderness contributes little or nothing to our economy, it presents a very significant health risk. To say that these barren wastelands don’t lend themselves to cleaning is putting it mildly and overall conditions tend to be extremely unsanitary. Furthermore, these poorly lit, treacherous stretches are filled with all manner of diseased and potentially violent animals, unsafe walking areas, and a myriad of varieties of poisonous fungi.

Yet, despite all of this, there seems to be an alarming lack of political will to step in and make a real difference. Despite the proliferation of effective and inexpensive defoliants that are available to us, we allow many old growth trees to grow unchecked. Tax dollars that could be used in the funding of public/private partnerships devoted to wilderness pest control services are instead squandered on health care and education. Many rivers and lakes are undammed and undiverted, and tragically remain under government control, instead of being in the hands of multinational corporations owned by people such as you and me. I can tell you that there are quite a few of my good friends south of the border who would be generous enough to help us out financially up here by taking some of this worthless water off our hands, thus giving a real boost to our economy and providing us with the wherewithal to purchase more sanitary bottled water and other refreshing beverages from the Coca Cola Corporation.

So when will things change? When will the wilderness be finally brought into reasonable check? When will irresponsible, subversive enviro-loudmouths, such as David Suzuki and the thugs at Greenpeace, be silenced at long last? It will only happen when all of us, speaking with one determined voice, force our politicians to take action. It is up to each and every one of us to make the world a safer, more convenient, and more profitable place by bringing nature firmly under control.

As some of our politicians, civic leaders and law enforcement officials have recently pointed out, Canada as a nation is woefully unprepared for a terrorist attack. As the recent London transit bombings clearly demonstrate, this lack of foresight can lead to devastating results. Throughout this great country of ours, there are maniacs at work in basements and homeless shelters, preparing explosive devices with the intention of undermining our civilization. They are everywhere, never-sleeping, always watching, forever plotting, waiting for their chance to murder us when we least expect it.

And yet we, in our great complacency, still allow these undesirables to wander about, totally unfettered and unmonitored. Everyday, millions of suspicious people across Canada go about their business, performing who-knows-what sorts of sordid and threatening activities without any supervision at all. It may surprise you to learn that almost no homes in this country, and far too few workplaces, have adequate video and audio monitoring equipment in place. Do you have any idea what your dicey-looking neighbour is up to behind the walls of his monster home? Shockingly, neither do we in the business/military/law enforcement community — yet!

Fortunately, all this is about to change. As president of the Canadian Independent Chamber of Industry and Commerce, I am pleased to announce a public-private partnership initiative that will vastly increase the personal security of our citizens through the widespread installation of video monitors in almost every conceivable space. We will start, of course, by installing the cameras in obvious spots: transit stations, public parks, city squares, shopping malls, churches, public washrooms, voting booths, confessionals, etc. These cameras, utilizing cutting-edge nanotechnology, will be almost invisible to the naked eye, so as to be as unobtrusive and unthreatening as possible. We will then be able to gather valuable security and law-enforcement information, permanently recording any deviant-looking behaviour.

Following very quickly on the heels of this initial phase, we will begin installing these devices in so-called private homes, beginning with the homes of… Well, you know whom we’re talking about.

The information being provided by these monitors will then be collated and merged with other vital sources of information, such as medical histories, itemized lists of household products consumed, library materials borrowed, and religious affiliations, in order to produce accurate client profiles for each of our customers/citizens. We will quickly sort out who is posing a threat to our society due to their extremist alliances, criminal activities, and erratic shopping patterns. We will react with extreme prejudice.

I know that there will be some dangerously deluded and paranoid individuals out there who see this as an encroachment upon their civil liberties. It is these people we must eliminate first. If there is a silver lining in the war against terrorism that we are now fighting, it is the fact that the average person is now able to see how delusional this sort of extremist political thinking is.

Living as we do in a state of perpetual fear, we have all come to understand that we must choose between safety and freedom — there is no middle ground anymore. I am confident, therefore, that this bold, proactive step — initiated by the business community and funded by the taxpayer will be greeted with openhearted acceptance all around.

Were you aware, for instance, that each and every new medicine must be tested and approved before entering the market? Or that false advertising is actually considered to be an indictable offense under the Criminal Code of Canada? Were you aware that our provincial labour laws stipulate a minimum hourly wage that is applicable to all employees? In British Columbia, for instance, the general minimum wage is eight dollars per hour! As I was telling my friends last night over a bucket of Beluga caviar, it makes you wonder whether it’s even worth doing business in this country. Hell, by the time I pay for legal defenses, hush money, high class hookers, exorbitant taxes on waterfront property, processing fees on overseas bank accounts, fuel for a yacht and jet, etc., it’s a bloody good thing that I don’t generate enough income to have to pay personal or corporate income tax [murmurs of agreement from audience].

Still, every day I see the Betty Bleedinghearts and Freddy Freeloaders out there calling for more and more of the hard-earned dollars that rightly belong in the pockets of our captains of industry to be squandered on such piffle as health care and education. Well, let me say this to those pinko no-goodniks out there – and I think I speak for my good friends Ralph Klein and Gordon Campbell, as well as all of you in attendance tonight – being sick is a privilege, not a right. It’s a privilege you earn by being born into an enormously wealthy family, or by sucking up and cringing within a demoralizing corporate hierarchy to others who were so privileged. And as for education, well newsflash, you can have fourteen PhDs in the field I’m hiring in, but I’m still going to give the job to my idiot son or the woman with the biggest breasts [general applause]. Once the new Bush/Blair/Martin global economy takes full hold, the only book-larnin’ and cipherin’ most of you galoots will need is the ability to scrawl the words “homeless” and “spare some change” on a crude cardboard sign [clamorous applause].

Thank you, thank you for that. Who knew that the book Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten would be so prophetic, eh? [raucous laughter].

But in all seriousness, my friends, don’t despair. Never despair. Shut out the annoying voices of the aggressive oppressed. A better, more corporate-friendly world with less taxes and more security is already on its way. Amen.

Reference
Fulghum, R. (1988). All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten: uncommon thoughts on common things. 1st ed. New York: Villard Books.