Should these options fail you, however, you are left with little help and it can be very frustrating. The discussion boards are often not used enough to be helpful. The few classes that I’ve taken with this component have often been filled with students of past classes and the discussion borders on irrelevant. Not all classes are offered through online study, and thus we are mostly dependent on our tutors for discussion or interaction. Unfortunately, I don’t live in the Alberta time zone that many of my tutors do, and often their office hours fall too early or too late in the evening for me to reach them during these times. When a tutor has hours only once a week, and they aren’t quick to respond on email, it makes contacting them difficult.

Let me explain further. When I attended a campus-based school, it seemed like every class I attended had at least one student who raised their hand just to hear themselves talk. I know that not all in-class conversation is particularly educational, and not everyone has the same questions or the need for discussion. But usually such discussion offers perspective, and it can often allow for a better understanding of the material. The best part of in-class discussion was when professors taught you something outside of the texts. Professors are not there to reiterate textbooks. Professors are most helpful when they can give you an alternate perspective, or a “real-world” example of when the material being studying was applied.

I’m not expecting tutors to have time in their office hour time blocks to have conversations about the weather or trade life stories. When a student calls, it’s best if that student has something to say, and can give the tutor a clear message as to what the call is for. Sometimes, however, it would be nice to just discuss the works, like you would in a classroom setting. When I’ve tried this, I’ve often been met by a professor asking me what exactly I would like to discuss and do I have a thesis prepared? I’m not looking for them to write my paper for me. Nor am I looking for them to fill my head with what I should think. It’s just a discussion. A discussion that might help me understand the meaning of a concept or the relevance of what I’m studying. The reasons for the calls might vary, but I believe that most students aren’t making calls to tutors because we have nothing better to do. We are trying to learn and gain the most out of our classes as we can.

For the most part, I’ve been impressed with Athabasca University and its tutors. AU has tried to provide students with the right mix of flexibility and interaction. It encourages initiative and independence. Students can write an evaluation on any tutor or class you’ve taken, and someone will read your feedback. The discussion boards, the types of classes offered, and the tutor’s office hours are all attempts to make Athabasca University a better university.

Perhaps the flaws in the system could be dealt with by giving tutors less students or by making interaction part of our grade. I don’t pretend to know what it takes to run a university or even a university class for that matter. I only know that as students, we should be allowed the chance to discuss, without feeling like we are wasting anyone’s time or looking for an easy way out.

“I wish I could work from home.” my friend states willingly. She commutes three hours to get to her place of work. She may be the wrong person to ask, but working from home is part of her ideal job.

Working from home, or telecommuting, has been advocated lately by some businesses. According to an article in The Globe and Mail, telecommuting “is still in its infancy in this country” (Patriquin, 2004), but I wonder how long this will last with some major corporations singing its praises. The newspaper article cites Compaq Canada, Bank of Montreal, Nortel Networks Corp., Ontario Hydro and Imperial Oil Ltd., as among the companies “experimenting with telecommuting.” Dr Ken Envoy, whose company SiteSell is based on telecommuting, estimates he has saved $800,000 since 1998 by not needing office space (Self Motivated).

It all sounds wonderful, like a utopian “never never land” for employees. You can sleep in a little longer, go to work in your slippers and still get paid. But it is still work and it isn’t for everyone just yet. Dr. Envoy is quoted saying that about “70 per cent of workers aren’t cut out for it.” He goes on to explain that the perfect telecommuter is “self-motivated and deadline-friendly” (Ibid.).

This personality type sounds strikingly similar to the ideal Athabasca student, doesn’t it? I consider Athabasca University to be excellent training for those of us who would consider working from home. Both distance learning and telecommuting require similar skills. The distance learner and telecommuter will likely face similar reactions from others. The questions and misunderstandings people have about distance education seem to be the same misperceptions people have about working in the home.

Since starting with Athabasca University, I have realized that people don’t consider what you do from home as work. Of course, this is not exactly an epiphany. It’s something stay-at-home moms, or involved parents of any kind really, have known for years. I’ve had people ask me, “So, are you taking a break from school?” even though they are aware I am taking classes with Athabasca University. This seems like a common reaction. When journalist Anna Quindlen quit her job at the New York Times to write from home, someone asked her how retirement was (Quindlen, 2005, p. 207). Perhaps we shouldn’t be offended by this reaction. They think we’re living the good life by not traveling to pursue our accomplishments. But no one likes to feel underestimated and eventually hard work deserves some credit. When working from home, this may not be something you will readily receive.

Sitting at my computer, listening to its buzzing, I wonder if I’m one of the 30 per cent that is supposedly cut out for telecommuting. I think about office drama, of people coming to work telling you what they did on vacation, where they went for dinner, or who’s gossiping about whom. I think about relating with the person you work next to when they’ve had a hard day and making friendships that last longer than the job does. I wonder if this unproductive, but still mostly rewarding, part of working can be replaced by technology.

Dr Envoy views “his Australia-based programmer a good friend, despite having never met him” (Ibid.). I think about Voice editor Tamra Ross Low. I email her every two weeks, but I’ve never seen her in person. Are we on the high-speed track to friendship? People often talk more with each other via email then they do in person. People are said to have fallen in love over the Internet. Certainly relationships can be formed, but I’m reluctant to say that we have reached the point in our society where technology replaces face-to-face companionship.

My friend who commutes to work would settle for working closer to home. She used to work ten minutes from her house, but she hated the work. “It was nice to go home at lunch. I could feed the dog, do some laundry.” When I asked her if she’d trade jobs (her previous job for her new job), she hesitated, but then said no. For the most part, she likes what she does, but she’s interested in doing something closer to home. She would definitely try telecommuting if given the chance. What she’s really looking for is flexibility and balance. We all seem to be looking for that and may even find it somehow. Telecommuting may be a means to work-life balance and happiness. It may make us happy, and we won’t care if other people consider it retirement because we know it’s not.

References

Patriquin, M. (2004, March 4). Working from home avoids ‘dysfunction’ office politics. The Globe and Mail. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20040304.gttwtelehome04/BNStory/Technology/
Quindlen, A. (2005). Loud and Clear. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.
Self-motivated, deadline-friendly, Work & Familiy Newsbrief.
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0IJN/is_2004_April/ai_n6038492

Some of the best (not so) guilty pleasures of the season

Staying warm inside all day while watching people pass by outside so bundled up that only their eyes are visible.

Crossing off the last thing on your ‘to do’ list knowing the only thing left for you to do involves some yuletide cheer and good company.

Listening to your iPod to drown out Christmas music (or in some cases to play it even louder).

Adding Bailey’s to your coffee, particularly after a day of being cold and wet outside (think of those activities that keep you outdoors all day like skiing, shoveling snow, or putting up Christmas lights that refuse to all light at one time).

Watching Cranky Salesperson get acquainted with Even Crankier Shopper.

Discussing with a confidante the events of last night’s office Christmas party (note, I said confidante).

Finding time to read a book that isn’t listed in your Study Guide.

Going home to have your parents or someone else cook for you.

Walking in the door and smelling your favourite baked item rising in the oven.

Those candies in the dish at your grandparents (you never eat them anywhere else and you never eat them without thinking of your grandparents).

Charlie Brown’s Christmas (c’mon, you like it).

Leftovers on Boxing Day (especially, those sandwiches with the homemade buns and all the fixings).

Listening to kids who still believe in Santa with all their hearts tell him what they want for Christmas.

Taking a nap on a day off (there’s just something about sleeping when you could be working).

Those little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.

Getting cards from people you miss (alright, any mail that’s not a bill can be pretty interesting).

Giving someone the perfect gift and knowing they really love it.

And, let’s be honest, getting a thoughtful gift from a friend can be pretty great, too.

Skating on an outdoor rink when it’s cold enough to keep it frozen, but warm enough to keep your eyelashes from freezing together.

Hearing your house filled with laughter.

A warm glow from a fire on a silent night.

In a Starbucks coffee shop a few weeks ago, I sat across from two students madly studying for an upcoming exam. They had a laptop sitting beside them and hundreds of dollars of textbooks at their feet, as they sifted through their notes and caffeinated themselves in preparation for a long night of studying. The students discussed a range of topics. I couldn’t help but overhear them and wonder how much of that information they would actually need to get a job. I looked down at the textbook in my hand and wondered the same thing.

I remember a classmate once asked our social studies teacher in high school why we needed to know about history if we didn’t plan to study it past this class. The teacher replied, much to everyone’s annoyance, that it didn’t matter; he was teaching us how to learn. But four years of post-secondary commitments later, most of us want to be able to say we know more than just how to learn. We want reassurance that we’ll get hired. We want to know that it was all worth it.

There are many statistics that can tell you it is. “Today, more than 9 out of 10 youth surveyed aspire to post-secondary education” (Canada Department of Finance, 2005). Athabasca University participated in the Graduate Employment and Student Satisfaction survey. Eight universities and university colleges across Alberta participated in the survey. Out of 2000 students of the class of 2002, 83 per cent of grads considered the “program to be worth the financial cost” (Athabasca University, 2003/2004, p. 37). 73 per cent of all the combined employed graduates from all the schools felt the same way (Sorensen, 2002).

While that leaves us with a nice warm feeling towards our education system, it is likely that many students feel school is worthwhile because we can’t do much without post-secondary anymore. It’s worth it, because society has structured it that way. As Dr. Piper stated, “70 per cent (2004) of all new jobs will require some post-secondary education” (Education is key factor in job market, 2005). And “individuals”?working full time over a full year”?with a bachelor’s degree earn on average about 50 per cent more than high school graduates” (Canada, Department of Finance, 2005). The statistics citing how worthwhile school make me feel hollow when you consider how necessary school seems today.

Another statistic from the survey catches my eye. 75 per cent of grads held jobs in their area of study (Sorensen, 2002 p.76). Out of the Athabasca grads of 2002, 86 per cent of employed graduates had jobs related to their area of study (Athabasca University, p. 37). These statistics surprise me as my experience has taught me differently.

I know of a Physical Education major who works in the plumbing industry, a teacher running a business, and a political science major working in insurance. I meet these types of people all of the time. Likely, so do you. Is it possible that we meet the 14 per cent of the minority time and time again? I suppose it is, but it seems more likely that the statistics leave much unaccounted for.

My intention as I began writing this article was to discuss the job force and learn a little about life after graduation. I wanted to justify the challenges of a post-secondary degree. I found plenty of interesting numbers, but nothing of real substance. The stories I’ve heard and the ones I’ve got to tell justified the challenges. I fell back on my experiences to reassure me that the post-secondary grind was worth it, even if it doesn’t grant me the career I had originally intended.

The numbers oversimplify, but I feel like I’ve learned something. And like school, it may not come out as planned, but in the end it’s worth it.

References
“¢ Alberta Department of Advanced Education (2005). Alberta University and University College Graduate Employment Outcomes Survey. Retrieved from http://www.advancededucation.gov.ab.ca/college/gradsurvey.asp
“¢ Athabasca University. Annual Report 2003-2004. Retrieved from www.athabascau.ca/report2004
“¢ Canada Department of Finance (2005, November). Chapter 4: Creating Opportunities for all Canadians. A plan for growth and prosperity. Retrieved from http://www.fin.gc.ca/ec2005/agenda/agc4e.html
“¢ Education is key factor in job market (2005, January 25). Vancouver Sun. Retrieved from http://www.canada.com/theprovince/features/educationlife/story.html?id=7c530f7f-1442-4785-b299-3e1130267c8a
“¢ Sorensen, M. (2002, November). The class of 2000 two years after graduation: Results from the 2002 Alberta Universities and University Colleges’ Graduate Employment Survey. Prepared for Alberta Learning and Alberta’s Universities and University Colleges. Retrieved from http://www.advancededucation.gov.ab.ca/college/StudyHighlights.pdf

Last year was a particularly busy yuletide season for me, and I just about pulled a bah-hum-bug and decided to forget the whole thing. I’d written exams in the middle of December, and didn’t start shopping until after they were done. I thought that I could just whip through the mall, find a few thoughtful purchases and be on my merry way. But, as I’m sure you know, malls are mean and nasty places in December. ‘Tis the season for stealing parking spots and being a big hurry. I couldn’t find any of the fabulous ideas I’d planed to get everyone and spent two days trying to get Jingle Bells out of my head. I showed up at my parents’ house in time and bearing gifts, but barely.

So, not this year. I won’t do it. I won’t stress over gifts no one really needs. I won’t show up tired and sick of the whole season. And I won’t drag the whole holiday down with cynicism or negativity. I’ll need to make some changes. First of all, I won’t write exams so close to Christmas — the option to decide this clearly being one of the perks to distance education. And I’ve already started shopping. Each time I see something I know a loved one would like, I snatch it up and stuff it under my bed. I only hope I don’t forget and find the hidden gifts come March.

I used to hate this person, the one who’s done their shopping by August and happily sipping Christmas cheer while the rest of us fight our way through the blizzard of shoppers. They say obnoxious things like “Christmas comes at the same time each year. It really shouldn’t sneak up on you.” They tell you to enjoy visiting with friends and family instead of racing around from store to store. They remind you to give to people who really need it. They encourage you to keep it simple. In general, they annoy you with their jolly over-organization.

But that was before I realized what a chore the whole thing was, and how this contradicts the entire meaning of holiday season. At some point, I realized all the clichés are true. It’s the gifts that can’t be wrapped that really matter. It’s the time spent as friends and family, or donating to a charity that will be truly memorable. It’s recognizing that Christmas really can be a time to be merry. It’s a choice. So, in the meantime, I’ve got a stash of gifts waiting to be wrapped, Christmas cards to send and 38 days to get it all done.

I’m on my stomach bending up surrounded by very flexible people, most of whom are years older than me and should stereotypically be creaking and groaning, but are instead limber and stretching like swans. The swan is in fact what we are doing here in my Pilates mat class. The idea is to bend and strengthen the parts of your spine that tend to get forgotten.

I have been doing Pilates on and off for three years. I started doing Pilates out of pure frustration. One day, I decided to train for a half-marathon and by race day I was nursing a painful knee and a bruised ego. No race for me. I’d lifted weights and tried numerous other types of exercise before I went to my first Pilates class.

Pilates seems like a trend, rather than a proven effective exercise. We have officially moved away from the no-pain, no-gain mantra. Exercise trends of today seem just as focused on mental well-being and relaxation, as they do on burning calories. Yoga, Tai chi and Pilates are to today, what the aerobics class was to the 1980s. As such, Pilates may eventually find its place with the Jane Fonda videotapes. Nevertheless, I figured, I’d already tried a yoga class and Pilates couldn’t be much different.

Yoga hadn’t held my interest. The low-lit room and slow breathing was very relaxing, but asking me to stand and hold certain positions gave me too much time to think. Half way through a downward dog, I was making lists of chores in my head and wondering if the class would ever end.

However, while Pilates and yoga are similar at first glance, they are in practice quite different. The first thing I noticed was that in Pilates there wasn’t as much time for your mind to wander. You aim to coincide your breathing with fluid movements. Pilates is by definition “a system of movement” that works “by toning muscles as well as balancing muscular force at the joint level. It stimulates circulation through facilitating muscular flexibility, joint range of motion and proper musculoskeletal alignment” (Royer, 2002). In other words, it’s movements that help you feel strong and limber.

Although Pilates has been around since the early 1900s (when it was first invented by Joseph Pilates in Germany) (The Pilates Center, 2005) there seems to be relatively little research on its benefits. Those who practice Pilates have cited that the exercises gave them long, lean bodies to the point that they felt taller. Other praises, like the ones stated here by The Pilates Center in Boulder Colorado claim Pilates “promotes new neuromuscular patterns, heightened body awareness, and more precise coordination” (The Pilates Center, 2005).

This summer, a study stated that Pilates was not necessarily worthy of all the praises being sung about it. Researchers argued that Pilates couldn’t make you longer or taller. Michele Olsen, the leading researcher of the study states, “Muscles cannot grow longer, but you can improve your flexibility from the exercises…You can increase your lean tissue, but what you’re doing is actually putting on muscle. So you are actually increasing muscle, which is a good thing, but not narrowing the muscles” (American College of Sports Medicine ACSM, 2005). The study summarized that Pilates is effective at increasing flexibility and muscular endurance when practiced at the intermediate and advanced levels. Researchers weren’t convinced Pilates could help reduce body mass nor increase cardiovascular fitness (Ibid.).

Joseph Pilates reasoned that, “physical fitness can neither be achieved by wishful thinking nor outright purchase” (Appleby, 2005). Agreeing with his words, I find myself in a Pilates class, stretching and moving carefully, training myself to pay attention and my muscles and joints to be strong. I’m not necessarily monogamous. When it doesn’t work for me anymore, or I become convinced that there is something better, I’ll move on. For now, I look to my left and see a lady in her 60s “rolling like a ball” onto her back, and then moving fluidly into a leg stretch working her abdominals. I feel challenged and hopeful that when I’m her age, I’ll be able to do things like that too. The only research I need for now is a quick study of my left knee as I run up the stairs in my house. No pain, no gain? I don’t think so.

References
American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) (2005, March 30). News release: Pilates research offers new information on popular technique, exercise beneficial for flexibility, muscular fitness. Retrieved November 1, 2005, from http://www.acsm.org/publications/newsreleases2005/Summit_pilates.htm.
Appleby, M. (2005). The basics of pilates: Focusing on core strength. Retrieved November 1, 2005, from http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/strengthtraining/a/pilates_core.htm
The Pilates Center (2005). The Pilates method. Retrieved October 28, 2005, from http://www.thepilatescenter.com/method.htm.
Royer, D. (2002, April 29). SUNY [State University of New York] Upstate Medical University press release: University Health Care Manlius offers Pilates exercise program for injury prevention and rehabilitation. Retrieved November 1, 2005, from http://upstate.edu/publicaffairs/news.php?id=345.htm

Yet, intrigued, I decided to read on. SaveMyAss.com caters to people (so far mostly men, making up 99 percent of the clientele) who would like to send “thoughtful” gestures to their loved ones on a more regular basis. For a starting price of $59 (US), the company can send flowers every four to six weeks, as well as ensure flowers are sent on anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions. You sign up and then SaveMyAss.com will email you a few days prior to delivery to “keep you in the loop” (Savemyass.com, 2005). You can also press a panic button that allows you to send a bigger arrangement, in case you’ve found yourself in hot water that week.

The website is oriented toward men, which is fitting considering the demographic of their clientele. However, the company claims their service can be used by anyone for anyone in the US or Canada. In the meantime, however, a banner at the top of the home page says “Gentlemen, Welcome to SaveMyAss.com” and there is a list of questions, one being, “Will she be upset if she knows I’m using this service?”

The answer to this burning question reads that the feedback has been “counter-intuitive”, that most women are pleased that their men are making an effort at all. They know their husbands “well enough to recognize [they] are busy” (Savemyass.com, 2005), and are happy that, at least, they’re getting flowers.

Such an answer may be accurate, but it seems a little misleading. It implies that flowers can smooth things over. The website’s name and the added feature of the panic button also imply this assumption. Flowers are generally not enough to solve problems. It may work the first few times, but after the fifth bouquet of roses, it’s likely the flowers have lost their appeal. With the four to six week schedule, perhaps the flowers are meant to be more a preventative medicine than a cure. Most people like flowers. But, do they like them because they want flowers, or do they like them because it means someone thought of them and took time out of their day to do something thoughtful like that? The whole notion behind the service seems to emphasize that getting things means caring, and suddenly, it’s not the thought that counts anymore.

The tone of the website is casual and aloof, as is inferred by the name. The co-founders joke that they are “(self-proclaimed) cool and trustworthy guys.” The tone gives the impression that we are not to overanalyze this service. It’s guys simply sending flowers. “It’s more guys who want the convenience but actually do care,” says Al Lieb, one of the co-founders (Harris, 2005). Clinging to my (self-proclaimed) idealistic beliefs, I read on. Business Week has a short article on the service. James Hong claims, “Guys–even well intentioned guys–need a nudge” (Savemyass.com, 2005). The idea is that you are supposed to be pleased he thought of you at all. In the signing-up, you’ll find the sincerity.

The co-founders seem pretty realistic about their intentions. They are aware that their service can offend people, or at least, may be better left private. That’s why they have “SMA flowers” appear on your credit card statement instead of “SaveMyAss.com.”

The website launched in September 2005. The success of this is yet to be seen. I know if I suddenly get flowers every four to six weeks, I’m going to be asking some questions. But, for those of you in need of a reminder, there’s plenty of time to sign up before Valentine’s Day. And you thought romance was dead.

References
Lieb, A. and Hong, J. (2005). SaveMyAss.com [website]. Retrieved fromhttp://savemyass.com/home
Harris, M. (2005, October 7). Entering the web of thoughtfulness: A new service for the relationship challenged. CanWest News Service. Retrieved from
http://www.canada.com/lifestyle/relationships/story.html?id=96692bd8-08c9-4a29-96df-77bc3d924126

A girl stands on the shore of a lake.

“I can think of a million reasons not to do it. Last summer, when my little brother Joshua was nine, he pushed me in because I was taking so long. It was annoying him. My mom was reading her book on the beach, and she kept telling me to just jump in before someone pushed me in. What a dumb thing to say. Obviously Joshua thinks it’s hilarious and does it. Dad made him say sorry, but secretly I think Dad was glad Josh got me in. He didn’t see what the big deal was. But the thing is, it’s a cold lake and there’s weeds at the bottom that slime against your legs. I was happy playing Frisbee in the shallow water. But stupid Josh got hot and decided to go in.

And it’s cold today. We just got back from groceries and mom thinks I’m in the hammock reading Archie’s, but I wanted to come down here and see if I couldn’t just go in myself. I’m not a baby. I probably should have asked first, but I didn’t want anybody here bothering me. Besides I’m a really good swimmer. I raced Lily in her pool yesterday, and I don’t want to brag, but I beat her by a full 30 seconds.

The worst part is getting out. Eventually, I’ll have to get out, and the wind will come up, and the sun will go behind that cloud at just the wrong time, and I’ll freeze.

Fine, I’ll just put my toe in and then decide. Five minutes ago, when I was walking down here, I said to myself I would just dive right in, head first, like that old lady this morning. But I knew I’d do this. She walked out of her back door, towel strung around her neck, and marched on down her dock and dove in. She didn’t hesitant for a moment. And I know it was cold, because when she surfaced, she let out that little yelp we all make when we first feel the touch of cold water, when it hits your lungs. But it didn’t stop her, not her. She left the comfort of her warm bed to get into the freezing cold lake. She just did it. Just jumped, like the no-big-deal that it is.

If I just stand here, the water lapping up against my shins, it’s not so bad. I’m glad Josh isn’t here to see me still standing here.

I’m taking too long. Mom will check on me or she’ll see me standing here and be mad I didn’t tell her where I was.

Why am I standing here? This is so like me. Just to wait here. Just to stand here and wait, undecided, waiting. So what then? I won’t go. I don’t have to. I’ll go back. Oh, just jump in! Swim! It’s just water! I can’t stand here my whole life, squeezing sand between my toes, feel the water getting colder, to talk myself out of not goi-”

A man in a yellow rain slicker throws food to the herons on the beach. The sky is overcast and it threatens to rain. In the few years that I’ve lived in Vancouver, I’ve learned that neither rain nor a raincoat signifies much here. But a raincoat on the beach at the end of August is a subtle reminder that summer is ending.

Summer is the season I look forward to most. It has something to do with the potential of longer days and warm weather. It’s the years growing up having summers off to do anything or nothing. As the light stays longer and the temperature rises, I start planning. I decide that we should go to the lake for the weekend, see an outdoor concert, spend an afternoon browsing and then sit all afternoon in the sunshine of an outdoor patio. I intend to invite friends for sushi on the beach and plan a weekly twilight tennis game. I want to try a restaurant that friends told us we’d enjoy, take an extra class, hike Cypress and learn how to paint my dining room.

As the summer ends, I have a list of good intentions that were never realized. I promise to do them all next summer, and try to stretch out the last warm days of summer, living in denial that fall fast approaches.

On my way back home, I pass by the man in the yellow rain slicker. The sky has made good on its promise and it has started to rain. The man has pulled his hood over his head as he continues to feed the herons. A sheep dog bounces around beside him. I decide that there are two people in the world–hose who let the weather dictate their plans, and those who simply dress for changing weather. I’d better buy a raincoat.

Celebrity tabloids”?admit it, you know what I’m talking about:

The glossy pages invite you, entice you, from the aisles of your nearest grocery store. You see them amongst the stack of magazines at the dentist, the doctor or your local coffee shop. Sure, their facts are obscured and their tone dumbed-down and absurd, unprincipled even, but that’s a tabloid in all its trashy glory. Shiny close-ups and secrets to the stars are all caught by the world’s best paparazzi. They get you so close you can hear the flashbulbs…

It is incredibly important to determine who wore it best and to monitor the weight loss of Hilary Duff or Kirstie Alley. The stalkerrazzi pictures of Kate Hudson’s grocery cart (I’ve just never been so fascinated with grocery carts before) shed a unique perspective on the daily grind. Oh, speaking of the daily grind, can anyone tell me (I simply must know), does Reese Witherspoon order a chai tea or vanilla latte? With growing interest, we can see Ben Affleck walk down the sidewalk, or Jared Leto eating corn on the cob (just who is Jared Leto, and why does he like corn on the cob so much anyway?). We can go on babe-watch and see how much weight Britney Spears can gain during her pregnancy. We can anticipate that any bloating a celebrity woman might have must mean baby-on-board, and then we can time how long it takes for the celebrity moms to shed the excess weight. Perhaps you nursing students can help; if you have a personal chef and a trainer, is three weeks enough? I’ve recently discovered that Lindsay Lohan drinks (gasp) water and learned the kind of cigarettes Jen Aniston smokes (although, I did find a descrepancy on this between Vanity Fair’s and Us Weekly’s rendition. That fact-checking class I took finally comes in handy). Oh, and be assured, you can sleep tonight knowing that Demi Moore has not had plastic surgery, nor has Nicole Kidman or Sharon Stone. They just have lots of money.

Invariably, the plot will thicken. Will they reconcile after his hideous affair with the nanny? Will he adopt her children? Will they ever get married? The drama continues, should you decide to purchase another issue.

The author would like to state that, yes, she does from time to time buy such reading material. She is in no way advocating it, nor is she judging fellow readers. It’s your $4.79. She does, however, ask that you recycle. It’s just good sense.

I’ve come to fear all things that claim to be simple, like furniture that requires a few simple steps of assembly before use. “Simple” if they included all the right parts and the instructions weren’t in Spanish, Chinese or any other language that I can’t read. While I’d love to learn these languages, right now I’m just trying to assemble some furniture.

I’m also skeptical of convenient things, like cell phones. When you really need to make a call, you are conveniently out of the service area. Or perhaps like a friend of mine, you find yourself in a cell phone crisis because you’ve lost your phone and all contact with the outside world! You will soon have to resort to SOS or a tin can-rope contraption for communication. The convenience cell phones has resulted in a friend of mine not committing to memory the telephone numbers of her loved ones (or anyone, actually). Instead, she conveniently calls the two people whose numbers she remembers and requests the numbers for other contacts she needs. I’ll be sure to have my cell phone on so I can help her out. I know how I’d feel without my phone.

Don’t tell her I told you, but in one of the cupboards in my mom’s kitchen, you’ll find a graveyard of Tupperware and plastics. They were bought to keep things like leftovers or lunches simply and easily stored. Finding the matching lid to the respective bowl however, is anything but simple or easy. So this Christmas, a relative bought her a revolving canister to organize all of the bowls and lids. Of course, then my mother had no room in her cupboard, so she had to spend an hour making room for these modern conveniences. I think of her as I search for a lid in my own cupboard.

That’s the catch with simple and convenient. They sell the illusion that we have room for more things. Soon, our simple lifestyle is rather cluttered, crammed with all the conveniences we can muster. We multitask, but will we get anything done? I’m optimistic that we will see a return to simplicity, and not the mass-marketed simplicity of cell phones and Tupperware. But, maybe in our lifetime, we’ll pick up the phone and have a real live person on the other end to answer our questions. They’ll be able to tell us that we have ordered a toilet without a seat and ask us if we’d like one. We’ll be able to call convenience’s bluff. We won’t clutter up our lives just because we’ve made room.

Until then, push one if you agree or please hold the line if you disagree. An operator will be with you shortly. After all, your call is important to us.