Usually, I stick to writing about sciencey things or my “Philadelphia lawyer” moments so that other people can leverage my experiences for better outcomes. However, this is a special article written for my fellow gentlemen, on how to best position oneself to experience success on the “international day of luvin”, also known as Valentine’s Day. I will do this by sharing my secrets, mastered a lifetime ago, when I use to look like the masked avenger of early California, Senor Zorro.
Many summers ago, back when I attempted to find myself a young Catharine Zeta Jones, I grew out my hair like a young Antonio Banderas and combined it with a swashbuckler facial hairstyle, but I realized I needed more. So, I went out and bought all of Antonio Banderas’ colognes. I was convinced that my “flow” combined with Banderas’ scents would lead me to having an epic outcome similar to what was seen in the 1998 film The Mask of Zorro, where Zorro, played by Antonio Banderas, is ambushed by Elena, played by Catherine Zeta Jones, and challenged to a sword fight, which turns out to be more of a “strip duel”. Just imagine being caught up in that type of a bad romance. Toxic relationships are the best, right?
Señor Alejandro, the ladies’ man, with Zorro’s hair and Banderas’ cologne.
It is important to note that looking and smelling like Zorro will only get a gentleman so far, and the real success comes from listening like Zorro—that is if they want to be successful on the “international day of luvin”. The Zorro scent amplifies one’s pheromones, which naturally attracts the gals, so when the gals get to talking, a gentleman must let the conversation go the way of a confessional, listening and responding with probing questions, like Zorro did with Elena. During the “confessional session”, the choice words some gals may end up using may catch some gentlemen off-guard, but it is important to play it cool.
Although Zorro was known to be quite the dancer, these days a gentleman is better off moving like Jagger than like Zorro. For Valentine’s Day, a gentleman is best off trying to mimic the swag seen in the opening scene of the 1977 movie Saturday Night Fever, where Tony Manero, played by John Travolta, swings his can of paint while walking through downtown New York. By continuing to build one’s confidence, it is possible to max it out and to reach Heart Break Kid status. But before a gentleman can reach those heights, it may be necessary to polish up one’s dancing skills, and that can be done by rewatching the 1987 movie Dirty Dancing, where Johnny Castle, played by Patrick Swayze, has the gals falling for him, including Babe Houseman, played by Jennifer Grey. It is a sure-fire way to experience success, and soon, you may have other people referring to you as a real-life Speedy Gonzales.
A Bleu Nuit Playlist
A true gentleman always has a repertoire of songs that they can fall back on for any situation, but some readers are still likely to be a gentleman-in-training, so I will share my playlist, le bleu nuit. These are songs that I listen to any chance I get, from getting amped for a gym workout to rendezvousing with the gals. Time to open Spotify and to create a new playlist.
The first three songs are remakes with a touch of Latin sensuality to them, and they are Hotel Beunavida’s salsa remake of Train’s “Hey Soul Sister”, Marco Puna’s bachata remake of Charlie Puth’s “Marvin Gaye”, and Rhythms Del Mundo’s bolero remake of Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved”. After that, we transition to some disco classics with Cindi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”, Sister Sledge’s “He’s the Greatest Dancer”, Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff”, and Point Sisters’ “I’m so Excited”. The next series of songs is influenced by oldies and it starts with a doo-wop classic by The Velvets’ “Tonight”, followed by Clyde McPhatter’s “Lover Please”, The Drifters’ “Save The Last Dance For Me”, Johnny Tillotson’s “Send Me The Pillow You Dream On”, Bobby Darin’s “Dream Lover”, Pete Shrayder’s “Where’s The Girl For Me”, and Bobby Rydell’s “Sway”, and The Jumping Jewels’ “Wheels”. However, the soul of le bleu nuit is found in the final stretch with the following rock and roll classics, Roy Orbison’s “Pretty Woman”, Elvis Presley’s remake of The Gladiolas’ “Little Darlin’”, and my personal favorite, Elvis Presley’s remake of Al Hibbler’s “Unchained Melody”. After a night of listening to these classics, a gentleman should still be able to overcome the impediment of not having a magic touch, the kind of magic touch that someone like Fonzi from Happy Days would have had.
Now, all these songs are great, but there is only one Elvis, and he was the man. So much so that even Fonzi from Happy Days had to acknowledge his greatness. One thing that does not add up about Elvis is how he managed to avoid getting mononucleosis, especially after seeing the King of Rock in action, like when he sang “Love Me Tender” to a packed house in 1970.
Converting “Top G’s” into Gentlemen because Gangsta’s Paradise is not a real place
In the process of writing this insightful piece, I happened to come across a few “Top G’s”, aka “top gangstas”, at least according to them, at the budget-friendly gym where I work out. They were asking me about my “rizz”. At first, I thought the word “rizz” had something to do with Snoop Dogg, like “fo’ shizz-le my nizz-le”, but it turned out that it was short for charisma and being popular with the gals. I instantly felt less cool upon learning that it had nothing to do with Snoop Dogg, but it was also at that moment that I realized just how many lads had been sold wolf tickets to gangsta’s paradise, so I felt obligated to stage an intervention and preach to them the gospels of a gentleman.
For starters, the “G” for gangsta, had to go. When I asked for a definition of a “G” or gangsta, everyone had a different definition, and their definitions were the opposite of how major English dictionaries defined the word. It was important to enlighten them and make it clear that there was nothing positive about being a “G” and that almost no one in Ottawa had a mean streak long enough to even be considered a gangsta. If you think about it, it makes sense since we are living in the most prosperous time in human history, in a country full of opportunities.
What truly helped make this a successful intervention was accounting for the frequency that American popular culture influences Canadian popular culture, so the “Top G’s” were prescribed short talks by Khamzat Chimaev and Khabib Nurmagomedov have said about gangstas, and that gangstas lack familiarity with the war experience. Seriously, gangstas are not anywhere close to being at the top of the food chain, like they often pretend to be, and a lot of people eat gangstas for breakfast and digest them by dinner, which is precisely why gangstas have to stick together like a school of little fish in a big ocean.
My intervention seemed to be working, the lads had decided to drop their “Top G” monikers. They were beginning to understand that by trying to be a “G”, it was actually repelling the gals and it was creating a vicious cycle, which is why so many “Top G’s” rage internally about not getting any gals, and that was the real reason why “gangstas” always looked so angry—not because they wanted to intimidate people. And just like that, the lads had successfully transitioned from “G’s” to “Gents”
And really, there you have it. That is all it takes to experience success on the “international day of luvin”, also known as Valentine’s Day. So, be in touch with your true self, go after what you like, but for Cupid’s sake, do not go around trying to be a gangsta.
