Canada’s divorce rates are higher today than ever before. All of it is to the delight of the creators of Tinder and Bumble, who are laughing their way to the bank. Close behind them in line are the creators of Christian Mingle, Seeking Arrangements, and even Ashley Madison. Albeit, seeing Ashley Madison on that list may come as a surprise to some considering how the website was hacked in 2015, and the subsequent leaks exposed Ottawa, Canada, as having the highest percentage of users per capita.
The “most boring city in the world” was quite active on the website, showing that 1 in 4 adults in Ottawa had an account and were seeking excitement. Some of those who were seeking excitement ranged from employees within the Canadian Armed Forces, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and the Canadian Border Services Agency to employees within the big banks, journalism outlets, and other sectors. Since Ashley Madison was a website catering to people seeking extramarital affairs, that association left quite the stain on Ottawa, with the city getting labelled as the “hotbed for adultery”.
Maybe what Ottawa needed back then was today’s manosphere of relationship experts, but they might have bumped heads with some from Ottawa’s pick-up-artist community. Like those who uploaded videos on YouTube titled, “Ottawa Daygame – Number Close a Hot Jamaican Girl”, “Ottawa Daygame – Number Close a Colombian Girl”, and even “Ottawa Daygame – Number Close Savannah with a BF”.
What makes the hypothesis above so much more interesting is that none of these love doctors actually went to school to learn the “science” behind attraction and dating, or to earn a PhD from an accredited institution. Instead, they are autodidacts, self-taught, and part of their learning curriculum involved watching School for Scoundrels (1960), which is not a self-help movie but a film whose title tends to remind people of the now-defunct Trump University.
With so many layers to the problem, the thought that needs undressing in all the drama might be whether the Ashley Madison leaks are the reason behind Ottawa’s current ‘reputation’, as the “most boring city in the world”. Because the city of Ottawa wants to hide its Hollywood-ness and all the sense of love, drugs, and rock and roll. Because when love goes wrong, nothing goes right (Guru Pitka, 2008).
Starbucks was Once a Family Coffee Shop.
Not that long ago, I visited my go-to Starbucks location, located deep in the suburbs of Ottawa. Upon arriving, I ordered my coffee in typical fashion, “I’m dying for a tall blonde. Super hot. All natural and without any makeup (no cream or sugar).” Shortly thereafter, I was double fisting coffees, because one coffee is never enough, typing away toward my goal of becoming a Nobel Laureate.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a shadow came over me and I heard someone say, “Can I get a number?” As I looked up, there was a woman standing across the table where I was seated. She repeated herself, “Can I get a (your) number?”
A flurry of thoughts began to run through my mind ranging from “is this woman trying to break free from a human trafficker or something?” to “is this woman short on change and in need of coin?” So, I responded hesitantly, “sure”, as I was leaning towards the former. Then, I followed that up by saying, “But I’m not sure how I can help you. So, how can I help you?”
Looking at her palms, her thumb was not tucked in her hand and with her fingers closed over her thumb, nor did she mention an “angel shot” of espresso, which is what I expected to hear.
As I began to scope out the lounge area, I noticed it was full of middle-aged women, all of them gossiping away, identical to the famous gals on The View. Then, another person emerged slightly from behind the woman that had approached me. This person had a shaved head, except for their bangs, which were spiked up. This person was also dressed biker-y. It had me wondering whether this biker-y looking person was a member of the outlaw motorcycle group that I had managed to snoop on via emails, faulty back-end systems, and software hacks back in my teen-ish years (the greatest hacks are seldom told).
The biker-y looking person was standing behind the woman, slightly off to the side, which is when I locked eyes with them. Then came the realization that this biker-y looking person was with the woman, before turning back to the woman and asking once more, “How can I help you?” It felt like this was going to be my Denzel Washington moment, from The Equalizer (2014). I may have had an epic sentence or two prepared to match the epicness of Washington’s quotes from that movie. Except I never heard any code words related to human trafficking or someone needing help.
In response to my question, the biker-y looking person emerged from the background, looking quite tough and like they meant business. They interjected themselves into the conversation, “My wife thinks you’re handsome and she wants to take you out on a date!” Then the woman in front of me responded by telling me that the person behind her who was filming us was her wife! Then her wife repeated herself, “My wife is asking you out! She wants to take you out for dinner!”
Her wife was quite loud. Everyone inside the Starbucks had heard what was being said and they all began to stare at us. It was as Hollywood trashy as Hollywood trashy can get. All that was missing was a TMZ reporter to break news of this scandal. However, I responded respectfully, “I’m sorry, I don’t know how I can help”, knowing full well what they wanted. As they were walking away, the biker-y looking wife turned cinematographer was telling her wife that she thought they could get a “yes” from me, and that her wife should go back.
After they left, I went up to the barista whom I was quite familiar with, informing her about the transgressions and asking if she knew who the two women were. She responded by saying, “Them, they’re regulars. And they’re TikTok famous.” Naturally, I asked my barista for protection, but she declined because she loved her job more than she loved me. Overall, it was an experience and a sequence of events that I did not have on my bingo card. I was not offended; it was all love – just not the kind that the married couple had desired.
Maybe one day, Bravo and Andy Cohen will decide to film “The Real Housewives of Ottawa”, because there is nothing comparable to the drama of this city. Plus, that kind of love triangle is exactly what producers want, because people go crazy for trashy television and over-the-top drama. That might float a lot of peoples’ boats, but I rather not sail my love boat towards a Bermuda triangle of an affair.
This interaction might as well serve as a pilot episode for “The Real Housewives of Ottawa”, and it also offers a key takeaway that deserves to make waves across today’s pop culture landscape but is unlikely to. That a mix between John Wayne and Mister Rogers while dressed like a retired golfer will withstand the test of time. That nobody is capable of resisting someone in such swag. Some might poke fun at those sporting combovers, wearing 70s sweaters or tucking collared t shirts into waist-high pants, wearing shorts that are cut above the knee or socks that rise above the ankle, especially those in the manosphere. But there is nothing fashion faux pas about it – trust me.
Ottawa is Hollywood 2.0.
Sharing these personal stories makes me feel a little like Taylor Swift, in the sense that both of us are great at monetizing anything that has to do with toxic relationships. Hopefully by the time that Valentine’s Day rolls around, I will have found myself the female equivalent of what Swift found in Travis Kelce. It would allow me to stick to writing high-level articles that leverage my understanding of public policy, courtesy of the Harvard Kennedy School learning experience. It would also allow me gain more respect across society, rather than showcasing my Hollywood trashy side. So, I would prefer to demonstrate my intellectual prowess, since I am, after all, a gentleman, and a scholar, no?
