I’m learning to be a marital coach from an unaccredited organization that turned my life around. It offered a selfless model of unconditional love rather than Western psychology’s self-centric model of love. To me, this philosophy of unconditional love, created by Paul Friedman, was the magic elixir I had spent most of my adult life seeking, and deep down, I knew it was out there somewhere. After sifting through relationship books at bookstores and finding nothing satisfactory, discovering the teachings of Mr. Friedman was nothing short of a miracle to me. So, I’ve taken the curriculum to become a relationship coach and have been coached on how to respond to crises using his model.
Some of his tenets include:
(1) Respect our partner’s free will, never encroaching on it, and especially never setting boundaries like Western psychology insists on doing. Setting boundaries is a form of conditional and not unconditional love. Remember, Mr. Friedman’s philosophy is toward selfless, unconditional love (agape love in Christianity and karuna love in Buddhism).
(2) Never criticize, condemn, or blame our partner for anything. All people are beautiful in their flaws and strengths. However, I must examine my life with a high level of moral pursuit and idealism, as the only person I can truly control is myself. And it’s a fantastic feeling to never criticize, condemn, or blame others but instead see the beauty behind everything they are. Everything we experience, good and bad, is an evolution of the soul toward its highest state, which is pure, unconditional love. And I heard a near-death experience that said we are all the same people in heaven as we are now, just in a state of pure love and bliss. So, if we are the same people but perfect in heaven, I need to see everyone in that perfect light.
(3) Never demonstrate anger. Western psychology states that we should learn how to control anger. Paul Friedman says that’s like trying to control an angry pit bull that is loose in the living room. Instead, he advocates for anger cessation, which is the complete absence of anger. He is an idealist, and that’s why I believe his ideas are so profound. He doesn’t say to go for 70% and then go home and crack the champagne. He says go for the gold: the 100%.
(4) Give nothing but unconditional love, as we are all essentially love.
Those are some of the many tenets he teaches, many accessible on YouTube. This marital coaching training has taught me how to soothe others and myself whenever a troubling thought occurs. That mental control is a foundation for wisdom, and one of the most beautiful statements within the self-talk I now use, as a result of his teachings, is, “We are souls of pure love. Nothing can truly hurt us as souls.” For instance, if we feel bad about our appearance, we can think, “I am a soul, not a body, and as a soul, I am pure love.” Or if we feel alone in the world, we can think, “Our higher power (God) and guardian angels love us.”
Finally, my failing as a marital coach is that I get way too philosophical. I need to be more practical. For instance, we could write lists of ten daily things we ever loved about others while ignoring or even cherishing their faults. Why cherish the faults we see in others? I think everyone’s strengths and faults are part of God’s plan, as they sculpt us to achieve the life missions we came here to accomplish. The dark nights of the soul exist to help us discover eternal sunlight. Each of us may have been a beam of light radiated from heaven into the womb, complete with a plan we chose before arrival.
